Ten thoughts on birthdays

I have never been a big fan of birthdays. I just do not understand the point of celebrating. As I see it, the only three years your birthday is important are when you turn 17, 18 and 21 - when you can see an R rated movie, when you are no longer permitted by law to hook up with underage girls, and when you can consume alcoholic beverages. Other than that, no other birthday is important. As we get older we start to dread our birthday because it is a sign that death is looming ever nearer. Most of the time when I am told it is someone's birthday I find myself in quite a predicament. Do I smile and wish them a Happy Birthday? Or do I cry over the fact that they are still alive? I have been told that the former is more socially acceptable.

Without further ado, here is a list of ten important thoughts on birthdays:

1. You are not entitled to be angry at people who forget to wish you a Happy Birthday. When people forget to wish you a Happy Birthday, it is for a reason: either you forgot to put it down on the Facebook or they were never really your friend. Stop bitching and threatening to never talk to me again, because frankly I don't care if you do.

2. Just because you were born today 20 years ago doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want to do. Chances are I don't like you and have no interest celebrating the fact that you are alive.

3. Celebrating your birthday on Friday when your birthday is actually on Monday is not OK. You're just going to have to wait until next year, sorry.

4. Throwing yourself a birthday party is one of the most self-important and obnoxious things a person can do. Who are you to say that you deserve a party? Who are you to assume that people actually care and want to celebrate the fact that you were born? You are as superfluous as the bottom button of your American Eagle button-down.

5. On a related note: If you do throw yourself a party, under no circumstances are you to expect a gift if you're not paying for my dinner. You treat me, I treat you.

6. Relatives you only see on Thanksgiving and other rare occasions need not telephone you Happy Birthday wishes. We both know I have no interest talking to you, and you have no interest talking to me. A check in the mail would be nice though.

7. On a related note: it is not a coincidence that I always get your answering machine when I call to wish you a Happy Birthday, Uncle Larry. When you run out of conversation after "I'm good, how are you?" it's always a bad sign.

8. Declaring your birthday to the world on your away message is the equivalent of writing "I have no friends" in permanent marker on your forehead. Knowing it's your birthday is about as important to me as knowing why Brad left Jen. If I don't already know it's your birthday, chances are I don't want to know.

9. Taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is stupid. People only do it because "it's what everyone else does" when they turn 21. When girls turn 14 they start giving out sexual favors like candy on Halloween because it's what all the other girls are doing. Do any of them still think that was cool?

10. Finally, if you absolutely insist on celebrating your birthday, please remember that a birthday lasts a day and not a week.

Eric Miller is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major, and Andrew Goldsmith is a sophomore at the University of Pennsylvania.