'Growing Pains' shows us all that smile again

And then the unthinkable happened. In a stunning surprise cameo, Leonard DiCaprio reprised his role as teenage delinquent Luke Brower to remind the Seavers that all they need is family.

Okay, so that didn't happen. But you can imagine how exciting that would have been: Kirk Cameron and Leo, two heartthrobs from successive generations back together again. Still, "Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers" does give us Kirk (and none of his born-again Christian preaching) and the rest of the gang.

The story is simple: patriarch Jason (Alan Thicke) and matriarch Maggie (Joanna Kerns) decide to sell the house, now that the nest is finally empty. After the sale, they plan to either hit the road in a deluxe RV, as is Jason's plan, or shack up in a villa in Tuscany, if Maggie has her way.

But what's that you say? Didn't they sell the house in the series finale, back in 1992? Well, avid television viewer, you're correct.

Like other flaws in the show, however, (youngest child Chrissy leaped five years in 1990, suddenly going from two to seven years old), the creators ask for a suspension of disbelief. In fact, they even make reference to the d�j� vu, as Seaver daughter Carol (Tracey Gold) asks "You're selling the house? Like in '92?" to which Jason replies "No, not like in '92. This time for real."

That's just one of several self-referential winks and inside jokes that appear in the movie. As a matter of fact, it's a premise carried throughout, as Jason chastises Cameron's Mike, "Didn't you learn anything after 166 episodes?"

Meanwhile, Maggie tells Carol, "It seems like we had a problem every week. In fact, every Tuesday night from 8:30 to 9."

The movie, the second feature-length Seaver reunion (see 2000's "The Growing Pains Movie"), really rewards the diehard "Growing Pains" fan (which, admittedly, might just be me).

When the family gathers up their old belongings for a garage sale, there are a couple sly allusions to past episodes, namely Mike's sneakers on which he once wrote the answers to a Civil War test, and Carol's old, impossibly large glasses. Unfortunately, there was no appearance from the hideous ashtray youngest son Ben (Jeremy Miller) made for his father.

It's somewhat weird to see the characters now, nearly 20 years removed from the series' inception. Chrissy (Ashley Johnson) who we saw as a child, is now grown up. Mike has a daughter that is almost old enough to drive, and he also has a brood of adopted multi-racial children.

Maggie and Jason are a little grayer, a little more worn and a little more wrinkled. It's also comforting that, however, at the same time, they've changed so little.

Now admittedly, the story is weak. In fact, the house they profess to have lived in for thirty years isn't even the same one from the show. Similar to the plot in its "Wonderful World of Disney" predecessor, the whole family is brought back together by a set of suspiciously convenient circumstances, in this case either to ensure they sell the house, or to sabotage said sale.

Mike, who has just received a one-year job offer in Japan, sends his wife Kate (real life spouse Chelsea Noble) to a spa, and encourages Jason and Maggie to stay and help look after his kids. A very pregnant Carol also wants the Seaver parents to stay so they can help raise her child while she returns to her investment banking career. Ben, a newly-anointed realtor, plays the opposing force, as the sale of the house is his key to becoming real estate agent of the year.

So, obviously, "hilarity" ensues. Mike and Carol, joining forces for evil, clog the pipes and disable the garbage disposal. In addition, Mike, in between answering his cell phone which has a "Growing Pains" theme ring tone, even hires a third-rate Ukrainian crew he knows will botch renovations.

Then of course, as per the norm, the show gets melodramatic, and they return to the constantly espoused theme of "Growing Pains": nothing is more important than family.

Mike and Carol try to guilt their parents to stay, but ultimately, it's a power outage caused by Chrissy's guitar amp that traps Maggie and Jason in a bedroom closet and helps them realize that it's still not time to cut the umbilical cord. And then of course, Carol goes into labor.

Okay, so the movie (and the show) is neither original nor even that funny. But somehow the series managed to last seven seasons and spawn two television movies, an existence spanning over 19 years.

And who knows, maybe they'll make a new movie every four years. After all, it's obvious the cast won't be acting in much else (to see Kirk Cameron's other current venture, check out www.thewayofthemaster.com and for Tracey Gold's recent DUI, www.thesmokinggun.com).

What is it then? Why has the show lasted? Perhaps it's the socially relevant storylines.

No, that's not it.

My only guess is that for some reason we found and still find the characters endearing. With them, we were "sharing the laughter and love."

Cameron, at 34 years old, still has a childlike charm, and there remains an unmistakable chemistry between the actors.

So, it's not Shakespeare; it's cheesy and thin. As the show ends with a new version of the theme song sung by Chrissy, you can't help but think how lame it is. It is lame. But you can guarantee that I'll be there for the 25th anniversary special.