The transition from a high school dating pool to the collegiate scene is not always an easy one. Ask your average Tufts student and they'll probably list lame parties and lack of interest as prime reasons for why they haven't "gotten any" since arriving on the Hill. And for gay students, the pressure of same-sex dating in an entirely new environment could make the process even more difficult - but not necessarily.
According to some members of Tuft's Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community, same-sex dating in college isn't as hard as it may seem at first. TTLGBC co-coordinator Vanessa Dillen has spent the past four years as an active member of the gay community and said that same-sex dating only gets easier with time.
"When you're first coming out, it seems like an added burden to have to find someone else who's queer, but it gets easier," Dillen said. "I want people to be hopeful about it because a lot of people get discouraged about same-sex dating."
And according to sophomore Kelly Sanborn, Tufts does its part to foster same-sex relationships by providing social events both on and off campus.
"We do a lot of social events with other schools," Sanborn said. "We co-sponsored a dance here last semester, with kids from a lot of different New England colleges."
Dillen agreed, adding that even if you don't find a soulmate on the Hill, you're bound to find a few good friends.
"At Tufts we have a very solid queer community. It's not necessarily easy to find someone you want to date, but it's easy to find queer friends," Dillen said. "I think that Tufts is a lot better than a lot of other colleges, and I think that a lot of people don't realize that. Tufts is a great place to be queer - we have a lot more resources than other schools, a pretty strong student group, a lot of queer faculty... It's a good place to be."
Sophomore Mitchell Lunn was hoping to find an accepting community when he arrived at Tufts, and it wasn't long before he became an active and vocal member of the gay community.
"When I first got here, I wasn't thinking that it was going to be paradise for LGBT students," Lunn said. "I knew that Massachusetts was liberal, and, there being the student group and center, it obviously had to be accepting. For the first little while, I tested the waters to see how accepting the campus was before I really started getting involved."
In many ways, the problems associated with same-sex dating are the same as the ones that heterosexual singles face. The parties, clubs, and bars that many college students frequent on weekends are not exactly the perfect "getting to know you" environments.
"Most people start out by going to clubs, and that works for some people, but it can be pretty frustrating," Dillen said. "It's kind of intimidating - it's not the best scenario, because it's loud. It's hard to just go up to someone and make conversation and be natural about it."
Concerts, coffee places, and certain queer events can be better places to meet people, according to Dillen. She said that the quieter and more relaxed atmosphere lends itself to more conversation than bars and clubs.
Lunn said the differences between same-sex dating and heterosexual dating were relatively minimal. "If we compare it to the heterosexual dating scene, I think that same-sex couples will do the same types of things that heterosexual couples do - going out to dinner, movies, club, dancing, hanging out, whatever - all of that stuff is the same," he said.
But same-sex dating does contain a unique strain of problems - namely, attempting to figure out the other persons' sexuality. Approaching someone at a coffee shop and asking them for their phone number is hard enough without having to worry about whether the person is interested in your gender, let alone in yourself.
"You don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or put yourself in a dangerous situation," Sanborn said. "You have to try to get an idea of who the person is before they approach them."
Dillen agreed, saying that having "gay-dar" is important. "Sometimes someone's sexuality is in question - you could have a crush on someone and not even know if they're interested," she said. She added there exists a universal assumption that everyone is heterosexual unless they formally 'out' themselves, which leads to added worries.
Just as important as figuring out another's sexuality is understanding it, Lunn said. He said respect is a two-way street when it comes to making people feel comfortable.
"Because we're well respected here for being who we are, we can't disrespect the people we think are attractive by assuming they are gay as well," he said. "Just as straight people need to respect our sexuality, we need to respect theirs."
College is a relatively popular time to "come out" to family, friends, and, most importantly, to oneself. Members of the LGBT community say this often causes confusion and stress that aren't conducive to a healthy dating career.
"One of the more difficult things about same-sex dating, especially if you're coming out in college, is that you have to face issues in coming out and getting into the whole dating scene" Dillen said. "And it can be really hard if both and your partner are facing coming out issues."
And sometimes college students who are confused about their sexuality want to explore their options in a casual way. The college atmosphere lends itself to such exploration, but can also lead to some uncomfortable situations.
"The one hard thing for women is that it's kind of hard to tell if someone else is really interested in you," Dillen said. "There's that whole myth that sometimes when women get to college, they want to experiment. Sometimes it's hard to tell exactly what their intentions are, whether they're just having fun or if they're actually taking it seriously."
Dating aside, members of the LGBT community largely say Tufts is a tolerant campus compared to other colleges. Most say the student body is relatively accepting - to an extent.
"I feel like students here are generally accepting, especially when it's distanced from them," Sanborn said. "If they see a queer couple walking around campus, they may not make a homophobic remark. But it is purely situational - you can get the wrong people in the wrong situation and bad things can happen."
Because of this, some in same-sex relationships shy away from public displays of affection. For Dillen, it's a matter of individual preference, and the level to which each partner is comfortable being openly gay. It also depends on the situation.
"I wouldn't hold hands at a frat party - it totally depends on your surroundings and who you're with," she said. "Some people are in situations where their whole group of friends know that they're gay and are totally okay with it and then some people are still really closeted."
Sanborn and Lunn agreed with the distinction between particular incidents and the overall atmosphere on campus.
"I know we've had a number of hate crimes against queers, but I feel like those were individual cases and that the average Tufts student is not going to lash out in a violent manner," Sanborn said. "I feel like the campus as a whole is tolerant."
Lunn said that Tufts is safe, but that everything is relative.
"I'm originally from North Dakota and that environment was very non-accepting, diverging on non-safe. So coming to Tufts, it was a 180 degree difference from what I had at home. On the flip side of that, I know people who have come from very liberal places and find Tufts very conservative," he said.
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