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Semen: The man, the myth, the legend

Between the sheets

Published: Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Updated: Sunday, August 17, 2008 16:08

I don't believe that there is a woman, homosexual male, or flexible boy out there who would claim that semen tastes great. However, regardless of the taste, many end up with this salty snack in their mouth. Some spit, some swallow, some even use it as hair gel, but what really is the best thing to do with the tapioca pudding?

Several people choose to spit because they are concerned with the calorie content. Sometime during my junior year in high school, an acquaintance of mine shared details about her oral sex habits with me in the middle of a dance class.

"I never swallow," she told me. "It has as many calories as a Whopper!"

For the remaining 40 minutes, I was preoccupied with mental pictures pertaining to her comment. I saw my hands clenched around a burger piled high with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, ketchup, all on a sesame seed bun, with a thin line of grease dripping down my chin.

Then there was the second alternative. Kneeling by the side of the bed, arms wrapped around sweaty thighs, with saliva covering the entire bottom half of my face. For the same amount of calories, the first option seemed much more appealing.

It wasn't until recently that I learned the truth about the caloric content of semen. In reality, a typical load of semen contains about five calories, the same amount as the slice of tomato on that Whopper. Hindsight is 20/20, but I'm still not sure why I believed my dance classmate. If a teaspoon of semen really contained 610 calories, oral sex would be used in third world countries to combat malnourishment.

Some choose to swallow because they've been told that they're missing out on something special if they don't. Many men have a grandiose view of the nutritional value of their sperm. No, semen is not chock-full of vitamins, and you can't skip your Women's One-A-Day just because you swallow.

I know one girl whose boyfriend tried to persuade her to swallow by saying that his ejaculation would help her to loose weight. Sorry buddy, but last time I checked semen was not an ingredient in Slimfast bars.

In reality, semen is not the answer to any problem aside from blue balls. After seeing There's Something About Mary, I was hopeful that maybe there was a practical use for it. But despite hours of brainstorming, I have yet to find a good application.

I briefly toyed with the idea of using it as a peel-off mask after discovering that some of the ingredients were similar to those in facial peels. I quickly disregarded this idea as I reminded myself that for less than five dollars I could purchase a peel-off product at any local CVS. I would rather pay $4.59 than rub ejaculate on my face, wait twenty minutes for it to dry, and then walk through the hall to the shared bathroom on my floor in order to wash it off. And I just wouldn't know what to do if I was ever faced with the question "gee, your skin looks great, what type of facial products are you using?"

Even though I wasn't willing to add semen to my skin care regime, I was convinced that there must be something that it was good for. This fall, when I was setting up my room, I ran out of stickytac and had an epiphany. I could avoid long lines at the bookstore and save money by using semen as glue! The problem was that since most ejaculations contain only one or two teaspoons, I would have to rob a sperm bank in order to put up all of my posters. Even if I was blessed with enough semen to decorate my room, I don't think I'd want to live in a place that constantly reeked of the stuff.

Though Monty Python claims that "every sperm is sacred," and the Bible chastises Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground, I have yet to be convinced that semen is a precious commodity. There is no significant nutritional value, and there isn't anything practical that it can be used for (other than making babies, but at the moment that's anything but practical). In truth, low-calorie-love-oil is a good-for-nothing reward for going down on someone; so it is completely irrelevant whether you spit, swallow, or keep it in a drawer next to your duct tape.

If you can think of a good use for sperm, feel free to e-mail me at


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