Rebecca Santiago | Is So Vain
Published: Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 02:02
I’m not 100 percent sure what I was doing when the rest of the world settled on New Year’s resolutions two months ago. Since I spent the majority of my winter break loitering in the mid-Atlantic-region cesspool that is Penn Station, I was probably eating pizza from a place called, uh, “PIZZA,” I believe, while you were all signing up for gym memberships.
So, yeah, now the rest of you are all buff and stuff. Congrats. Not only am I not that, but also my forehead looks kind of like a pizza. Such is the consequence of a New England winter, horribly inconsistent skincare habits and a diet of, duh, straight pizza during midterms. Obviously I’m filled with remorse that I didn’t dub 2013 “The Year of The Clear Face.”
Oh, well. One can start a yearlong resolution whenever, you know, and Feb. 26 seems like a fine day for a sweeping proclamation. Modern-day, non-fictitious Bloody Faces, get at me, because I’m about to step my pore game way up. (No, modern-day, non-fictitious Bloody Faces, don’t actually get at me.)
Ready to get on my cutaneous level? Good. Here’s what you need:
1. A Clarisonic Mia sonic skin cleansing system. OK, don’t hate me. I know the Clarisonic is really hyped up, and the cheapest price I can find for it online is $102 on Amazon. But if you do have the cash to drop and you’re as serious as I am about getting creepy Barbie skin, then Mia you must.
This rechargeable face brush deep-cleanses and exfoliates and just altogether fixes anything texturally wrong with your skin. It’s gentle, vaguely bionic, probably magical and, yes, so, so expensive. But if you use it every day, your face will feel like rose petals and you will feel tres “Jetsons” chic. Face-washing robots are the future, man!
2. Cetaphil everything. I have subjected my poor face to many soaps and moisturizers of varying prices, but at the end of the day I always come back to Cetaphil. This is the gentlest stuff on the market, period, and you want that for your face even if you don’t think you want that for your face. Plus, it’s drugstore and, as such, inexpensive enough that you will hate yourself slightly less as you Clarisonic your face and evaluate your life choices.
The brand’s daily facial cleanser ($8.39 at CVS) is great for teensy T-zone train wrecks like myself, and its moisturizing cream ($13.49) is non-greasy but heavy in a good way. When it’s no longer February and disgusting, I might switch over to the brand’s lighter daily facial moisturizer with SPF 15 ($11.99), because I am an adult and, as such, need to stop baking in the sun like an idiot.
3. Origins Out of Trouble facemask ($23). Oh, this is the greatest face mask of all the face masks. I would know, because I love little more in this world than to smear on a face mask and clomp around the house saying stuff like, “Don’t I look kind of like Jason from ‘Friday the 13th’ (1980)? Oh, don’t mind me, I just have a flesh-eating virus, is all. Do you want to make out?”
Unfortunately for everyone I have ever lived with, I am consistently rewarded for my sketchy behavior with supple, blemish-free skin. And this mask feels so good on that I don’t ever want to take it off — it’s tingly and cooling and you can practically feel it cleansing your epidermis or your chakra or both or whatever. Apply this mask when you feel a breakout coming on, and thank me later.
Rebecca Santiago is a senior majoring in English. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter @rebsanti.