Rebecca Santiago | Is So Vain
Eyelashes! Eyelashes! Eyelashes!
Published: Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, March 12, 2013 13:03
First: I promise that, in this column about eyelashes, I will not use the phrase “Kardashian lashes,” except for where I used it right there. God. That said, I do like my ocular fringe as doe-like as can be. The minute I’m gainfully employed, I will probably start eschewing groceries for eyelash extensions, which are, you know, basically just more eyelashes glued onto your eyelids. It’s more glam than it sounds. (If you’re a person of means, the running price for lash extensions in Boston is between $125 and $350-ish. Also, please invite me to your beach houses in exotic locations.)
So, no eyelash extensions for me — and, save for the most special of occasions, no falsies, either. Those things take time and patience, man, and, as I’m watching “Arrested Development” (2003-2006) for the first time ever on Netflix, I have neither. So, I guess what I’m really talking about here is everyday eyelash maintenance for the perennially lazy who want to look vaguely like desexualized (French!) Real Dolls.
Anyway. Eyelashes, like regular hair, need conditioning, and for that I recommend Bag Balm ($8.99, Walgreens.com). Without this green miracle tin of Vaseline-y gunk, I would look like a molting snake — with dull eyelashes — all winter.
Bag Balm is one of those weird humans-and-animals products like Mane ‘n Tail shampoo, so, like, if you have a cow with a chafed udder or whatever, jackpot! But even if you lack in the bovine department, this balm is great for human lips, and just a dab of it makes eyelashes look thicker and glossier. I wear it overnight to deep-condition. Just don’t grease yourself in the eye like an idiot.
Now I’ve heard talk of many cool pre-mascara primers and powders, but with spring break right around the corner I should really be saving up my extra dollars for daiquiris in the Dominican Republic. So, don’t get too mad at me, but I crowd-sourced this article a little.
Here’s what I’m seeing: Estée Lauder Lash Primer Plus ($21, Nordstrom.com), which, uh, primes your eyelashes for mascara, is essentially liquid gold (in awesomeness, not color). It adds volume and keeps mascara from clumping or disintegrating into gross mascara flakes all over your cheeks. Apply mascara before the primer dries for smoothest results.
Oh, and the mascara you should be applying, by the way, is Lancome Oscillating Vibrating Infinite Power Mascara ($39.75, Amazon.com). I mean, I would buy it for the name alone, but this is the vibrating mascara that convinced me that vibrating mascaras are not, in fact, on-the-cheap sex toys. You don’t even really need an eyelash curler with this stuff, which is great, because eyelash curlers look like medieval torture devices. Even though you’re supposed to buy a new tube of mascara every three months, I’ve had mine for at least half a year, and it’s still giving me Sailor Moon eyes.
There is an art to the application this mascara, albeit not a high art. Press the vibe button and hold the mascara wand at your lash line (right where your eyelashes meet your eyes). Keep it there for a few seconds, say three, and then slowly zigzag the wand up through your eyelashes. Then, beginning not too close to the lash line, do a quick vertical upward stroke. Clean any blotchy parts with a Q-tip, or, um, your spitty pinkie finger, as I often do.
If you still have clumps, which you shouldn’t, tackle them with an eyelash comb like Sonia Kashuk’s ($4.99, Target.com). Finally, wink at yourself in the mirror like seven times, because, duh, you can’t even help it. Hey. How you doin’? Come here often?
Rebecca Santiago is a senior majoring in English. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @rebsanti.