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Rebecca Santiago | Is So Vain

Beauty Rx

Published: Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Updated: Tuesday, April 2, 2013 02:04

I am sick today. And by “sick,” I don’t mean “feeling kind of under the weather and, therefore, can’t get my article in on time” sick. (To the writers who have done that to me — a Jumbo never forgets, babes.) No, I’m actually sick, like “went to the emergency room and was prescribed a narcotic pain reliever whose name rhymes with ‘Shmercoset’” sick. So now I’m writing this column on legally obtained narcotics. Cool.

Any. Way. Though I hope none of you will need to be so dramatically doped−up, I’m guessing the seasonal shift will bring its fair share of colds and allergies. That sounds tres Mucinex commercial. Um. Right, so I’m on Percocet, and my point is, lots of you will probably be stricken ill in the very near future. And because you’re vain brains, you want to look hot even if you’re hacking phlegm into the phlegm−hacking−into receptacle nearest to you, yes?

Of course you do. Because, to some degree, recovering from an ailment is a little bit about faking it until you make it. I mean, sometimes it’s also a little bit about Percocet. But generally when you’re feeling crappy, little will make you feel better quicker than making your face look like a human’s. It doesn’t even need to look like your own human face. Any human will do. Life lessons from Hannibal Lecter!

A word of warning, though: Caking on three pounds of makeup when you’re sick does not, in fact, make you look healthy. It actually makes you look like an under−baked cake colonized through and through by salmonella. So as to avoid that infectious pastry vibe, use as few products as you possibly can and shoot for sheer and dewy skin. Avoid matte makeup like, hardy har har, the plague; ditto strong eyes.

O.K., let’s break this into steps. First: shower. It’s not debatable. In that shower, you will enjoy an aromatherapy shower bomb, which is a chalky half−cylinder thing that, once plunked on the floor of your shower, makes the entire room smell like lemongrass or lavender or whatever. Chill Pill Shower Bursts ($4.50, hydrasoap.com) efficiently de−murk your woozy brain and clogged sinuses.

Also while showering, exfoliate your entire freaking body in order to feel like less of a dead thing. For my face, I alternate between Tilth Beauty Gentle Poppy Seed Exfoliator ($38, tilthbeauty.com) and the ever−classic St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub ($3.79, cvs.com). For the body, very little gets blood pumping faster than Origins Gloomaway Grapefruit Body−Buffing Cleanser ($22.50, origins.com). I mean, maybe sex would, but I’m too ill to conduct that particular scientific study right now. Best to stick with the Gloomaway for now.

Now that you look a bit less waxen, moisturize your face with something heavy−duty — I’m thinking Kiehl’s Skin Rescuer ($40, kiehls.com) if you’ve got it. It rescues, duh. For makeup, I would go as creamy as you can. I can’t remember if I’ve written about Make Up For Ever Camouflage Cream Palette before ($38.00, sephora.com), but it comes in shades for all skin tones, and it does the absolute best job of concealing little discolorations. Dab it on with a sponge for best results. At my illest, I’m also a big fan of Tarte Cheek Stains ($30, sephora.com), especially the non−shimmery shades.

Also, like, groom yourself. You can’t look sick with perfect hair. Even if you’re throwing up, people will just be all, “Huh, it’s weird that your face is in a toilet right now, but more importantly, your hair looks really shiny. What’s your secret?”

Okay, I’m off to stare at my blank wall and hallucinate, but tweet me things. Always tweet me things. ’Til next week, beauties!

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