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Dear Asher Roth

Published: Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Updated: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 07:04

Dear Asher Roth,
    "If you have a drink,
    would you please put it in the air?"

    I'm not gonna lie — I dig your song. Yeah, you're the focus of quite a bit of criticism, ‘cause you rap but you're a pot-smoking white boy from suburbia, yet I don't care. I'm psyched for you to open for The Decemberists and Ludacris this weekend for SPRING FLING AT TUFTS! The beat is irresistible; it's blaring out of every freshman's MacBook, and after weeks of not really listening to "I Love College," I finally gave the words a listen in Club Tisch on Saturday night.

    I agree: "pizza a dollar a slice" is pretty awesome. And "my good friends is," really, "all I need." But I got to the following...:
    "I can't tell you what I learned from school but
    I could tell you a story or two, um
    Yeah, of course I learned some rules
    Like don't pass out with your shoes on
    (Get the Sharpie!)
    And don't leave the house ‘til the booze gone
    (No, we're not leaving)
    And don't have sex if she's too gone
    When it comes to condoms put two on
    (Trust me)
    Then tomorrow night find a new jawn"

    I'm a volunteer health teacher for Boston Public Schools through Tufts Peer Health Exchange (PHE). PHE-ers talk to ninth-graders about everything from sex to abuse to alcohol to nutrition to physical activity. So I appreciate your line "Don't have sex if she's too gone." That's considerate. Pop culture does some awesome things for kids! After Chris Brown "allegedly" hit Rihanna, while it was horrible, the situation became a great example for talking to kids about getting out of abusive relationships and how the victim is never at fault. So, thanks. But there was another line that made me cringe.

    Two condoms is a common misconception. This will sound obvious after you hear it, but "double-bagging" is actually a really bad idea, and, sadly, it usually befalls people who are trying to be doubly safe. During the momentum… of sex, the two layers of latex rub together, and the friction can break BOTH of them REALLY FAST. Obviously, this is counterproductive... Well, actually, I guess it's "productive." If all you learned in college was to wear two condoms, do you know how many Asher juniors there could be out there?
    From a public health standpoint, you can view pop culture as a HUGE weapon/position of power. Example: fans of Michael Phelps picking up a piece of their own or fans of Cal Ripken reaching for the milk instead of the Red Bull. The fear, in this case, is that two drunken teenagers will aim to be safe, and one will grab the other's shoulder, look deep into their puffy, 4/20 eyes, and say "Baby, WWAD?"

    "Wear two condoms — that's what Asher would do!"

    This is not the first time an error in iTunes Top 20 has created tension on a mass scale. In 2003, "Hey-Ya!" by André 3000 and recorded by OutKast on their double album Speakerboxxx/The Love Below was known by the breakdown "Shhhhhhhake it like a Polaroid picture!!!" In their outrage, Kodak filed a suit against OutKast, because "shaking it?" actually damages the image, however, they later dropped the charges and took advantage of the incredible marketing possibilities.

    Quoth Wikipedia:
    "Because current Polaroid film is sealed behind a clear plastic window, casually waving the picture has no effect on the film's development. Vigorously shaking the film may actually distort the image by causing the film to separate prematurely and creating blobs in the final image. Nevertheless, Polaroid sought to market off of the allusion... Polaroid sponsored parties for OutKast, where Euro RSCG distributed Polaroid cameras. OutKast made a deal to hold Polaroid cameras during some of its performances. Polaroid does not release sales figures, but its public image, previously in decline with the growing popularity of digital cameras, was bolstered by the song."

    A good friend of mine, upon discussing this last bit, suggested that maybe Trojan should cave and endorse you. If people are using two condoms at once, it'll double their sales!!!
    Thus, we'll have lots pregnant teenagers with damaged instant snapshots.

    Is that really what you want, Asher? Think of the kids. The inebriated, horny, kids.

Thanks for listening, and see you this weekend with LUDAAAAA!
    P.S. What the hell is a jawn?


Laura Kroart is a freshman who has not yet declared a major.

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a 16 year old with a kid
Tue Aug 18 2009 14:44
umm i used to condoms and i got the girl pregnant what do i do now?
Thu Apr 30 2009 12:03
I love Asher Roth he is so cute and i love this song.How can anyone not like this song.Teacher or not you are foolish and out of your head.Live a little lady.I LOVE YOU ASHER ROTH.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mon Apr 27 2009 00:36
This is the point that I always make when I hear this song! Why purposely give out bad advice, Asher Roth?
Sun Apr 26 2009 18:45
Good point. Kids all over the country who don't have comprehensive sex education in high school may think that the advice of two condoms = safer sex is legitimate. I know plenty of Catholic high schools in Massachusetts that gave almost no sex education (except of course for abstinence). Thanks for the article.
Thu Apr 23 2009 19:23
I can't figure out why this was written or published, or what it's even really trying to say. In some places it seems sarcasting and in others seems very serious. If she was trying to make a real point then she did a terrible job of it ; if she was trying to make a joke then she was unsuccessful in that pursuit as well.
a circle
Thu Apr 23 2009 00:04
"People at Tufts hate Asher Roth because he describes the college experience for kids at normal schools, and it's a lot more fun than that of Tufts."

Make your own fun, don't be a square

me and this jawn got a thing goin on
Thu Apr 23 2009 00:02
jawn just means woman. plain and simple
Your name
Wed Apr 22 2009 22:52
Oh, this is funny.
Danielle Cotter
Wed Apr 22 2009 20:16
Laura, you are a great writer and I thoroughly enjoyed this column. Don't let the hataz keep on hatin'. You combined humor and knowledge. Great job!
Your name
Wed Apr 22 2009 19:34
"People at Tufts hate Asher Roth because he describes the college experience for kids at normal schools, and it's a lot more fun than that of Tufts."

Seriously. How dare people actually think that college is about learning stuff and bettering yourself? It's about GETTING WASTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111oneone!!!

Cause, you know, if you apply yourself in classes and extracurricular activities, you can't ever party. Ever. The Fun Police come and take you away. And send you to bed without supper.

Your name
Wed Apr 22 2009 18:39
People at Tufts hate Asher Roth because he describes the college experience for kids at normal schools, and it's a lot more fun than that of Tufts.
Wed Apr 22 2009 16:46
this is the only part of the daily that was actually interesting today. good job! don't pay attention to other people's mean comments...clearly they have nothing better to do with their day. maybe they should go write an op-ed piece...
Wed Apr 22 2009 15:35
this column makes a very good point and does so with some humor! who knew shaking a polaroid could actually ruin it...
Wed Apr 22 2009 14:53
I think some of the things you say in here are actually incredibly clever. Good job, even though I doubt very many teenagers are using Asher Roth's anthem as an example to live by. I think more than anything, what will result from this song is a lot of kids getting really dissappointed when they get to college.
Wed Apr 22 2009 14:50
hahaha i like it :-)
Laura Kroart
Wed Apr 22 2009 14:38
You guys are harsh.
Laura Kroart
Wed Apr 22 2009 14:37
Asher H8er - This is Laura. Sorry if I offended you. As a health teacher, I often find that humor mixed with health education is the best way to get things across. And, it's enjoyable. I happen to LIKE being silly, and addressing health concerns, thanks much.
Your name
Wed Apr 22 2009 14:33
This is just retarded. Whether you're tying to be funny, informative or both, it doesn't make any real sense. Good for you though for volunteering.
damn laura, you fo real?
Wed Apr 22 2009 13:22
Jawn is a jawn, shawty.
Errthang's a jawn, and a jawn is errthang.
I see you sippin that mochachino, can I get a sip o dat jawn?
Man dem new jeans is tight, how much you pay for dat jawn?
Dat jawn over thurr's got a thick booty.
I see you eatin that jawn.
Pass me dat jawn over thurr.
Synonyms fo nerdy white folks: thing, dohickey, object, stuff.
Wed Apr 22 2009 12:00
Dude owes me $13.60!

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