Ben Zuckert | Straight Out of the Bible
Confidence is key
Published: Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Updated: Wednesday, October 9, 2013 01:10
Last week, I mentioned that I would be discussing congressional gridlock in my next column, but then I realized it’s irrelevant. Put it this way: Who’s been more influential, John Boehner or Moses?
Trick question: The answer is God.
This week, we’re taking a break from Genesis with Exodus 3. I know, the people want Genesis, but give Exodus a shot. In this passage, Moses goes to a mountain, sees a bush that’s on fire and checks it out. Then, God calls out his name and tells him to go to Pharaoh to bring the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses, however, doesn’t think he’s up for the task. God assuages his concerns, but then Moses asks what happens if the Israelites ask for God’s name to prove that the conversation actually happened.
You have to give it to Moses for having some foreskin — I mean, foresight.
God answers, “I Am who I Am” and tells Moses to tell the Israelites, “I Am has sent me.”
This is hands down, biblical-scholar agreed, the most baller response from God in the entire Old Testament.
Anyway, Moses has more doubts and asks what happens if the Israelites still don’t believe him. So, God makes Moses throw his staff onto the ground, and it turns into a snake. Next, God makes him put his hand into his cloak, and it becomes leprous. Then God says that if those two things aren’t enough, throw some water from the Nile onto the ground and it’ll turn into blood. After all that, Moses asks God to send someone else, but finally he obliges and the rest is history.
Moses, I have three words for you: Believe in yourself. One, God has your back. Two, your mother is Pharaoh’s biological daughter, which makes Pharaoh your grandpa. And three, you’re 80. Let me repeat myself: You’re 80 years old. Wait, so how old is Pharaoh?
Okay, let’s take this from the mountain to the Hill.
For underclassmen guys, sometimes it can be tough to get into frat parties. As you wait in line, you realize you didn’t pregame enough and can feel your testicles ice over in the cold autumnal wind. Eventually, you squeeze through to the front and claim you know a brother, but then Herbert, the guy at the door, asks for a name. All you have to say is, “I Am has sent me.”
Now, two things can happen after you blow Herbert’s mind with this biblical reference. Either he’ll say, “Yo, I love Exodus. Come on in, man,” or he’ll kick you out of the line. Actually, just make up a name like “Rob” or “Scott” and hope for the best.
It turns out there’s a Scott in the frat, but Herbert’s skeptical that you know him. This is where you run into some problems. Can you turn a staff into a snake? Maybe, depends how drunk you are. But what else can you do? Not much, so go to the party with no guys and 10 girls, and you’re set.
Eventually you get in, enter the dance floor, and start doing your thing with a cute girl whose name you think is Belinda, though you’re not totally sure. She leaves with her friends but gives you her number. Now, instead of texting her your name, just write, “I am who I am.” When you get no response, text back with your actual name and tell her that I told you to do this and you’re sorry for being obnoxious. She forgives you, you start dating and six years later you’re engaged. You invite me to give a speech at your wedding, I fly in on a jet pack and it’s an incredible night.
Ben Zuckert is a senior majoring in political science. He can be reached at Benjamin.Zuckert@tufts.edu.