Lex Erath | Sugar and Spice
The Nine Circles of Tufts, Part Two
Published: Monday, October 21, 2013
Updated: Monday, October 21, 2013 01:10
For those of you who are arriving late to the party — AKA those of you who haven’t yet figured out that your Monday dose of “Sugar & Spice” is a must-read — two weeks ago I took you with me into a re-imagined version of Dante’s Inferno. We explored the first four levels of Hell together, and on this hellish Monday morning we shall now venture even deeper.
5. The Evil TAs. It is common knowledge that not all TAs are created equal: Some are very helpful, some are very intelligent and some are even sort of likeable. But then there are the evil ones: the grad student TAs who deride you for asking basic questions in recitation, the dictator TAs who inexplicably grade you 300 percent harder than your friends in other sections and the pompous TAs who consider themselves practically professors and think they’re far above you lowly undergrads. All of these horrible TAs are sentenced to an eternity of hand-grading chemistry finals.
6. The Unclean. One level down finds us amid a more varied group of tormented souls. The Unclean includes suitemates who leave the remnants of their six-course meal in the kitchen sink all week, students who create huge messes for the kind-hearted Dewick workers to clean and sweaty gym-goers who don’t wipe down their soaking-wet equipment after use. The Unclean will spend their afterlife cleaning the floors of DU’s bathroom post-rager.
7. The Clappers. Continuing along our dining hall theme, the seventh level of hell is very specifically allotted to the jerks that obnoxiously applaud whenever someone drops something in Dewick. It’s happened to the best of us, so there’s no need to draw even more attention to the fact that someone’s cup is now on its fourth bounce and still going strong. The Clappers are doomed to an unending cacophony of early morning construction.
8. The Over-Zealous. Pretty far down in hell, we approach the most passionate of Tufts students: the ones who honestly, sincerely believe in their campaign and will stop at nothing to convert you to their way of thinking. While their almost religious fervor is commendable, when I have a midterm in half an hour, all I want to be doing is cramming, not listening to you extol the virtues of Democratic candidate number 72 when I’ve already told you I’m a conservative. These students will spend eternity listening to a speech given by a Supreme Court Justice of their opposite party, powerless to interrupt.
9. The Real Estate Hoarders. And, finally, the ninth and deepest circle of hell is reserved for the lowest of the low: the real estate hoarders. These are the students that take up a whole table in the dining hall to study during prime dinner hours (for those that were not aware, the primary function of places such as Dewick and Carm is for consuming food) and, even worse, those that claim an entire table — prime real estate! — just for themselves in Tisch during finals week. These awful people are condemned to an eternity of wandering around the library with a full backpack, unable to find a place to rest and study for their Concepts of the Cosmos final.
Well, Jumbos, it’s been a blast exploring Hell with you, but this is all a bit heavy for a Monday morning, and so I think I’ll go lift my spirits by frolicking on the Pres lawn while it’s still nice enough to do so. See you next Monday, and stay out of trouble — and Tufts Hell — until then.
Lex Erath is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major. She can be reached at Alexandra.Erath@tufts.edu.