Top Ten | iPhone apps that don’t exist yet
Published: Thursday, October 4, 2012
Updated: Thursday, October 4, 2012 08:10
The recent release of the iPhone 5 spawned massive lines, emptied wallets and ensured a new wave of apps for nearly every possible desire. Unfortunately, the operative word is “nearly.” We at the Daily Arts Department believe there are still a few apps that the iPhone desperately needs, so here are the top ten apps we’re willing into being:
10. Tommy Lee Jones simulator: For those times when you need sage advice from a grizzled veteran actor — one who doesn’t randomly lecture empty chairs at certain national political conventions.
9. Thumbdrive, “Matrix” (1999)-style: Because we’re moving towards a future in which we will eventually become one with the iPhone.
8. A Moe’s BBQ Trolley app: All the deliciousness of a late night burger without any of the shame from drunkenly stumbling over to this weekend-night mainstay.
7. An app to hail a taxi: Because waiting in the street, in the rain, is a bit 2005.
6. Portkey app: You’ll never need to curse the JoeyTracker’s failures if you have a portkey in the palm of your hand!
5. Night vision app: To help you escape darkened frat basements on weekend nights.
4. SkinnyBooth app: Like FatBooth, but the opposite.
3. Sex app: The headphone jack may suffice if you are particularly under-endowed.
2. Swiss Army knife functions: Your iPhone can already give you whatever information you want; it might as well be able to cut bread and solve any other physical challenges you’ll encounter.
1. A telegraphing app: Vintage is in, and few things are more charmingly vintage — or self-indulgently hipster — than a telegraph.