Top Ten | Things we are not thankful for

Turkey Day break is just around the corner, and we're planning on stuffing our faces a week from now. Before we dig in and count our blessings, we'd like to take a moment to note the things we won't be recognizing as we say grace. The following are like the nasty leftovers you found in the fridge — from last Thanksgiving.

10. Common Decency: Sometimes we just want to bleep this bleep-ing piece-of-bleep set of societal boundaries until they go the bleep away. How much bleep-ing better would that sentence have been without all the bleep-ing censorship?

9. Swine Flu: This is undoubtedly the least kosher epidemic ever. And its name raises some fairly awkward questions: Did the first patients catch it from a pig? If so, what the heck were they doing to said pig?

8. Damien Hirst: "Artist?" More like "Fartist." This guy stinks. While his work may be controversial, it isn't good: a real shark in formaldehyde, a platinum skull covered in diamonds, paintings of dots. My kid could do that. Well, except for the shark and diamonds thing.

7. Thanksgiving Football: We'd rather watch our favorite shows.

6. Jeff Dunham: Even though all of America is going ga-ga for his Comedy Central show, we still hate ventriloquism. And racists. And Dunham is both.

5. Open Container Laws: Seriously? What difference does it make if we play our amazing combo game of beer pong and flip cup inside or walk around outside smuggling a fifth of Jose Cuervo under our jackets? Everyone wants us to keep our drunkenness to ourselves, but we want to share it with the world.

4. The Sports Section: Where's your trophy, huh?

3. The Kardashians: Some celeb families are made for reality TV (have you seen "Run's House?!"), but the Kardashians definitely aren't one of them. Watching the ridiculous banter and pointless lives of a celebrity family isn't exactly what we'd call entertainment ... unless you're the Osbournes, of course.

2. Run-On Sentences: You know, when people write sentences that are really long and just keep going on and on and don't seem to have a point and then it's just rambling and gets annoying but there still isn't a period in sight and you keep reading just to see how ridiculous it can get and then it turns into something about "Melrose Place."

1. People Who Don't Like Postmodernism: You won't like our open letter.