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Will Shira | Horrifyingly Hilarious


Published: Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, November 14, 2012 07:11


Note: Apologies for the lack of hilarity in the column that follows.

It’s been a while, so time to play a quick game of catch up. I would like to congratulate the American populace as a whole for removing every single rape-monger from office who tried desperately to define how rape wasn’t rape, but “a gift.” Furthermore, an experiment has now begun in Washington and Colorado. The test is far from over, but the stoners apparently made it off their bean bags and meditation cushions to the ballot and refrained from toking up for 45 minutes in order to vote. Then again, maybe reefer madness really doesn’t explain the reality of the culture that surrounds marijuana in this country. Time will tell. Regardless, the Feds will probably be making their move soon, and the battle for states rights will emerge once more. But let’s forget about the real issues at hand shall we? There are now people elected that can think for us. 

Speaking of campaigns — oh blessed be, blessed be! The elections are finally over! No more television ads of terror, celebrity endorsements, calls from politicians or, worse, calls from political polling agencies that so desperately desire our opinions but only so long as they fit within one of four defined categories. The advertisements can simply return to advertisements convincing us to buy more of the goods put forth to us by the Koch Brothers and their ilk so that next time around there’s even more money on the table to spend on trying to buy elections. “SC Johnson ... a political company.” 

So while Mitt Romney goes on a wild bender drinking chocolate milk, playing monopoly, getting into awkward pillow fights and reaping the untold benefits of his campaign, the US continues its steady pace towards the fiscal cliff on Dec. 31. Mitt forgot to tell you? Well remember that Super PAC money that the Romney campaign accumulated? Anyway, all that cash is now interspersed across thousands of international bank accounts and investments under front companies that have Mitt pulling the strings. Magic Mitt turned the single most expensive political race of all time into a net-profit gain and then skirted off to go live a life of leisure. He pulled the same trick as his “miraculous” fiscal turnaround of the Salt Lake City Olympics — only this time with better working conditions for his employees. Then again, no one saw how the janitorial staff lived this time either.

Now President Barack Obama holds the position of chief once more as a highly divided government stands before him. The House of Representatives and Senate — in light of the disdain displayed by the public about the negativity of this past election — will no doubt sit down, sing “Kumbaya” and work together with candor to pass legislation that will crack this nation’s spine into shape with the balance and precision of Jackie Chan’s chiropractor. What a wonderful world this would be. 

Or not. This is, after all, reality. And the 2014 congressional elections are coming up. If we don’t have a war to fight abroad, we’ll make one at home. However, as soldiers stationed around the globe fighting an international war against terror would gladly remind us: we are already fighting the broadest war in American History. 

So as China and Japan squabble over strategic tiny islands, the new fascist party emerges in Greece, Palestine pleads to the UN and Syria continues to rage, take a deep breath, America. Be thankful for our relative peace, and let us work to make it last.  



Will Shira is a senior majoring in peace and justice studies. He can be reached at 

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