In the wonderful ridiculousness of this year's NCAA tournament, I have found that only one thing has remained true throughout. The one lone fact has held constant through all of the upsets, surprises, tears and cheers, is that I suck.
I couldn't pick the winner of a game if my life depended on it. My bracket looks like it has been chopped up, blended, digested, and thrown back up again. A drunken chicken could have probably picked a bracket better than I did.
But all is not lost. As miserable as my bracket may be, my champion is still alive, and as long as I have that it can't be all bad, right? Even though half of my Final Four teams have been knocked out of the running, I can hang on to one last shred of dignity if Kansas ends up cutting down the nets in Atlanta.
But be that as it may, the rest of my bracket is an absolute train wreck. I wish I could have had someone to stand over me with a lead pipe and smash me in the face with it and yell "Not them you moron!" every time I made a pick. Maybe that way I could have avoided some of the idiocy involved in my bracket this year.
I lost the first of my Final Four teams in the second round. Now I know that most of you are thinking Cincinnati. That would be a far too logical choice. Cincinnati was a number one seed. My mind works on levels of stupidity most people haven't even dreamed of when it comes to college basketball.
Nope, the Final Four team that I lost in the second round was none other than NC State. Yeah you read that right. N.C. State. Let's just say I had a hunch. I figured that hey, if they beat Maryland in the ACC Tournament, then there's no reason why they couldn't just breeze past UConn and then either Kentucky or Maryland again.
What twisted perversion of logic would possibly make me do such a thing? This is precisely where the lead pipe to the teeth would have worked nicely.
Me: "Hmm, I think I'll be an idiot again and pick NC State to go to the Final Four."
Lead pipe man: (pummeling my face with the lead pipe) "Not them you moron!"
While the NC State debacle was certainly the worst of my bracket-related disasters, there were several others to follow. I had both Gonzaga and Texas Tech in the Sweet 16, yet another instance where a blow to the head would have done me some good. I also picked Pepperdine to take out Wake Forest. Who picks Pepperdine, honestly?
But my bracket's downfall was certainly not due entirely to my stupidity. There were some things that were just beyond my control, which I don't think anyone could have predicted. I'm fairly certain that there were evil forces at play when USC fell to the Ruthian force that is UNC Wilmington.
The saddest part of my tale, however, may be the plight of Duke. Duke was my lock. Even if I had absolutely nothing else right, I could rest assured that Duke would be in the Final Four. Nobody in their right mind would have picked Duke to bow out any earlier than that. But alas, the Blue Devils let me down.
I was relaxing comfortably on the couch, watching Duke play Indiana, not worried about a thing as the Devils were sure to pass easily on to the Elite Eight, leaving the Hoosiers wondering what the license plate number of the truck was that hit them. For the first half of the game, all was well. Duke lead by a more than comfortable margin, and I found myself perusing other channels in search of interesting entertainment. I happened to stumble upon The Raiders of the Lost Arc, a brilliant piece of filmmaking.
As I became engrossed in Indiana Jones and his antics, I was not in the least bit worried about Duke and my bracket. This game was a lock. It was in the bag. There was no way that this game could possibly turn sour. As Indy was about to lower himself into the giant pit full of snakes, I figured it was as good a time as any to check and see how much Duke was up by.
No sooner had I flipped the channel back to CBS than I was whacked across the side of the head with a cricket bat. Indiana had emerged from Duke's temple of doom and led by four with under 20 seconds to play. This couldn't be happening. Everything right and good in the world was coming to an end. I opened and closed my eyes several times to make sure I wasn't mistaken, and, to my dismay, I wasn't. I watched as the seconds, along with my faith in the world, ticked away. I watched as Jason Williams missed the game tying free throw, and as Carlos Boozer missed a game winning layup. And then I watched as Indiana celebrated, and the Blue Devils left in tears. The game was over, the sure thing no more, and my bracket dead. Stupid Duke.
But as bad as it may be, I'm sure there are many people out there sharing a similar fate. At least I still have Kansas to keep me afloat. During the regular season the Jayhawks beat Arizona, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Texas Tech twice. There's just no way they could let me down. There's just no way.
