Boobs are bad for golf

I watched a little bit of the World Golf Championships last weekend during the commercials of the Patriots game, and I have to say that what I saw was not what you might call surprising. Tiger Woods was in his Sunday red, leading the tournament, while everyone else was trying as hard as they could to catch up.

Tiger won, like you would expect, despite a 62 in the final round by Retief Goosen. It was his fifth World Championship, and he's only 26.

This could have been the scene from any golf tournament this year, and it most likely was the scene if Tiger was playing. He's by far the most dominant golfer in the world, and, in my mind at least, the best golfer that has ever lived. He breaks records like it's his job, and leaves almost every golfer who challenges him in his dust. It's an absolutely amazing thing to watch.

I thought all of this while I watched Tiger play on Sunday. But then I started to do that terrible thing I always do, and I began to think. I started to wonder why. Why is it that every time Tiger steps on the golf course, everybody in the crowd can be reasonably sure that he'll win? Is it because he can hit the ball farther than everybody else? Is it because he's the best putter in the world? Does he play his irons better than the rest of the field? He's at or near the top of every statistical category, but there can always be a player who has a big day or a big weekend and be better.

Tiger is the best golfer in the world, but he's not really that much better than everybody else. His drives are maybe ten yards longer, and he maybe hits one or two more greens in regulation, but that can't possibly make him win every time. I ate some cheerios and pondered the question further.

I even went as far as to research statistics on other golfers on espn.com, trying desperately to come up with an answer. Phil Mickelson is in the top ten of more statistical categories than Tiger is, and John Daly leads more categories than does Tiger. Obviously I was barking up the wrong tree.

I turned my attention back to the TV, and I began to examine Tiger's opponents more clearly. I watched them drive, I watched them putt, and I watched them hit out of the sand. Watched short irons, long irons, wedges, and fairway woods, but I could not for the life of me figure out what put such a gaping hole between Tiger and everybody else.

Then I noticed something. It happened while I watched Mickelson walk down the fairway after teeing off. God only knows why, but he was wearing some kind of ugly Lycra shirt, soaked with sweat and clinging to his chest. That's when I noticed them, bouncing up and down. Boobs. Phil Mickelson has boobs. And we're not talking little, hardly noticeable boobs _ we're talking full-fledged hooters.

I looked at Tiger's other opponents. Vijay Singh _ boobs. Ernie Els _ boobs. Davis Love III _ boobs. Colin Montgomerie _ probably about a D cup. John Daly could probably wear Anna Nicole Smith's lingerie without anybody even looking at him funny.

Then I looked at Tiger. His biceps are huge and his shoulders are massive. He's by far the most physically fit golfer on the PGA tour today, and probably ever. I mean, think about it. Do you think Colin Montgomerie ever brags to Phil Mickelson about how much he can dead lift? I can only imagine what the talk would be like between these guys in the gym.

Mickelson: "Hey Monty, can you come spot me? I'm trying to lift my own golf bag today."

Monty (in a pair of slacks and golf shoes, eating a jelly donut): "Bloody hell Mick, shouldn't we get Daly to help?"

Then it all became clear. Tiger is not most golfers. Just look at him and you can tell that he spends countless hours in the gym, getting in top shape _ anything to get that extra little edge over his opponents. There are no other golfers on tour that look like Tiger. Granted not all have breasts, but there are none that have the actual physical stature of Tiger Woods.

But it is not the muscles that separate Tiger from the rest of the pack. It is what gets him those muscles. His desire to win is so far beyond that of any other golfer on tour that a majority of the time, he will win. Maybe Mickelson would rather spend some more time with his kids than hit the weights. Maybe Daly would like to drink two, or three, or twelve beers instead of hitting the range. Maybe Colin Montgomerie is fat. All of them are great golfers. None of them has what Tiger has.

Tiger has it ingrained in his head that the only acceptable result is victory, and he will not rest until he has done everything in his power to achieve that result. That's why he has so many championships. And that's why other golfers have boobs