Metcalf continues to smoke competition in intramurals

Welcome to this week's edition of Intramural Roundup, brought to you this week by the hell-on-earth that is nicotine withdrawal. It was Mark Twain, or perhaps Nate Newton, who once said: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times." Mr. Twain's (or Mr. Newton's) humorous quote reminds us that persistence does matter, whether you are a intramural soccer team facing a 2-0 deficit at halftime, an 0-2 volleyball team looking to turn it around against a undefeated juggernaut, or a former smoker looking to gut that smirking fool of a roommate who didn't wash out his pasta pot after you specifically told him, like, ten times to do it.

Sigh. Anyway, here are this week's tobacco-free intramural results.

All of the leagues are underway as of this writing, but while the upperclassmen leagues get on their feet, Intramural Roundup will focus, once again, on the all-freshman soccer and volleyball leagues.

In soccer action, the Mad Cows from Metcalf continued their dominating play by defeating the Titans 7-3. The Mad Cows, who now stand in first place in the "Wait, this wasn't in my Pachyderm" league, have been as smooth and dependable as a Camel cigarette during their first three games, outscoring opponents 32-10.

Joining the Mad Cows at the in first place are the Felons, who dispatched Haskell/Jeff 2-1, and the Dirties, who defeated Tilton 1 3-2 in a hard-fought match that, according to some players, was very dirty indeed.

Next week's Felon's-Mad Cows match-up should determine who is the early season King of Flavor in the "Wait, this wasn't in my Pachyderm" league. In other results, South 2 huffed and puffed to a 3-2 win over the Munchies while the Gangstars from Haskell were smoking butts like the bride at a New Hampshire wedding in an 8-3 victory over their siblings from Haskell/Maria. Arrrgh. Hold on.



Cigarette break



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Now. In further soccer action, South 1 edged Uphill 1 5-4 in a tight game. John Q (actually freshman John Quashie), fresh off his vigil in the emergency-room, said of the game: "We kicked butt." Even more quotable were the victors from Lewis Invasion, who triumphed 5-2 over Tilton 3.

"Emilio was the superfreak, he was our MVP," Omar Tuffaha said.

"Omar is the worst kid on our team," his teammate Remy said. "We're trying to release Omar."

The volleyball league was plauged by no-shows this week, with two games ending in forfeits. Remember the Titans? Well, they won by forfeit this week over South 1. South 3 did show up for their game. But their opponents, Metcalf, did not. The Lewis Wildcats beat the Haskell Raskells for their first win of the year and Hill held off the Tramps in a tight battle to stay undefeated.

"We're number one!" the team boasted. That assertion will be put to the test next week when the Hill-people face off with South 2, which also moved to 3-0 by defeating Downhill 1.

Next week, Intramural Roundup will branch out to the open leagues. Volleyball begins Wednesday, Basketball Thursday, and tennis will have a singles tournament coming soon. Intramural Roundup will return, of course, to the "Wait, this wasn't in my Pachyderm" league periodically, but next week's article will focus on the upperclassmen.

Since Tufts is, in theory, a place of education, Intramural Roundup has decided to aid students in their digestion of the material by creating a Reading Comprehension Quiz. Responses should be taped to the top of a large pepperoni pizza and delivered along with a two liter of Coke to The Tufts Daily in Curtis Hall.



Reading Comprehension Quiz

1. Explain the thematic significance of Denzel to this text.

2. Does anybody actually read the Pachyderm? Other than the alcohol parts?

3. Are you going to put that #$%&# spaghetti pot away or is this reporter going to have to clean it with your ugly face?

4. Compare and contrast Omar Tuffaha and Nate Newton as tragic heroes. Cite examples from the text.



What did we learn this week?

1. Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

2. Poor Omar.

3.