Intramural Roundup shows you how to keep warm at winter games

Welcome to this week's intramural roundup. This week's article on intramural football will require a little reader participation, but we'll get to that in a moment.

First things first. It's coooold out here at Fletcher Field. To combat the chill, we have three things: a Columbia windbreaker, two packs of Camel Lights, and a brown flask filled to the brim with good ol' Jimmy Beam.

Intramural Roundup would like all of you out there in readerland to grab a bottle of your own and follow along. Every time a touchdown or an interception occurs, take a drink. Simple, right?

Team Spam and the Indies is this week's featured game. Everybody take a swig for good luck and here we go.

Team Spam took the ball first. The first pass downfield is picked off by number 52 on the Indies. The Indies QB then took the ball down the field on three passes setting himself up for the go ahead touchdown. Whooh. Smoooooth.

But Team Spam answered right back with a touchdown of their own as Chris Lee found Tim Reardon in the endzone. Lee followed up that offensive success with a defensive one, intercepting a pass on the first play of the drive. But then it was number 88 Aman Chahal getting an interception of his own. That pick doesn't matter though as the Indies had to punt on that possession.

Then, Lee threw a 50-yard pass to number 52 on the white team, following it up with a spectacular run of his own and a short touchdown pass. But, with the score 14-7 in favor of Team Spam, new Indy quarterback Ryan Sullivan hit number 68 with a pass a midfield, before throwing a touchdown pass to Chahal to tie the score.

The teams then traded interceptions (two drinks people) and Team Spam took over at midfield. New Indy quarterback completed three passes before hitting number 68 over the middle for the go-ahead score. At the half, the score was 21-14, Team Spam leading.

Whooooooooooo! How's everybody feelin'? Intramural Roundup's gotta tell you one thing, it doesn't feel the cold ANYmore! Now, while we take a not so short bathroom break, a word from our sponsor.

Dark, handsome man: A lot of people ask me, Dan, how do you keep looking so young. I have to laugh, because the answer always surprises them. (Dog runs and jumps on his lap and starts licking his face.) Hey, whoa there Sparky. Every morning, I start my day with a big, hearty bowl of saltines drowned in Jim Beam brand whiskey. Sure it goes down kinda hard at 8 a.m., but after that, the day just saaaaaails by. Take it from me, Dan Fowler. If it doesn't say Jim Beam, it's just not breakfast.

We are back. Indies have the ball at their own twenty. Things are gettin' kinda spinny like so lets keep it quick. The teams trade interceptions (remember, that's two drinks people) again! Then Sullivan hits 52 on a long touchdown pass. After a touchdown for team Spam, Sullivan hits the same receiver on the same play for the same result. That's it. Biiiiiiiiig sips people. Don't wuss out on me.

With the score tied at 28, number 26 on Team Spam hits Lee with a touchdown, and from there things just start to go downhill for the Indies. In brief, the rest of the game went like this: interception Spam, touchdown Spam, turnover on downs Indies, touchdown Spam, turnover on downs Indies, touchdown Spam, interception Spam, touchdown Spam, touchdown Indies, interception Indies.

Team Spam was drunk with excitement after the game. "We'd like to dedicate this victory to Sgt. Jason R Graves of the Chesterfield, NH police who arrested nine of us this weekend," Team Spam member Ian Smalley said. "He took our beer away too."

Good guys, Team Spam, good guys.

In other intramural action, Dirties quarterback Peter Le said of his team's 7-7 tie with Zeta Psi "This is going to be the championship game." Peter Le. Le. Write that down. Good guy Peter. Good guy. In the other intramural game of the day, Dearborn defeated Ill Sauce in a 28-21 game, which seems kind of hazy now.

Now, another message from our sponsor.

Dark handsome man: A lot of people ask me why I have such a great job. And I have to laugh, because the answer always surprises them. (His daughter comes over and puts her arm around him.)

Girl: Hi daddy.

Dark, handsome man: Hi honey. Every day at lunch, I like to wrap my lips around a bottle of Jim Beam brand whiskey. It keeps my mind relaxed, and my hands steady so that I can do my job right.

Nurse: We're ready for you Doctor Fowler.

Dark, handsome man: Jim Beam, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Reading Comprehension Questions

1. What the #$%$ are you lookin at, slim?

2. Do you have a particular problem with Intramural Roundup's hat?

3. Hey there good-lookin. Whaddya say we go and shave your back together, eh?

What did we learn this week?

-This guy here? Thiiiiis is the guy

-If it doesn't say Jim Beam, it's just not breakfast.