Bad movies strike back

These are the worst films of the year in no particular order. I have given a small description of each movie and then rated its "Filmmaking irresponsibility" and, sometimes, its "Drinking game watchability" on a scale from one to ten.

1. Rollerball _ If ever there was an argument for a film being more than the sum of its parts, it is this $70 million disaster from usually reliable director John McTierran, of Die Hard and Hunt for Red October fame. With each incoherent turn, the film twists the knife a little bit more, until you realize that not only is this film a disaster on the level of Battlefield Earth, but it has actually swallowed your soul.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 7

No one expected a re-make of Rollerball to be good, but the decision to cast these "stars" PLUS the $70 million budget PLUS the complete apparent breakdown by John McTierran make this a strong case for blowing up Hollywood altogether.

Drinking game watchability: 0

No intoxicant can save the worst goddamn film I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of bad movies.

2. Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course _ The first hour of this crap masterpiece meanders along, with the Croc Hunter doing his usual schtick. The words of the Internet humorist Seanbaby explain the last half hour best: "Life as I knew it reached out of my VCR and kicked me in the balls."

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 6

I do not expect a movie made about the Crocodile Hunter to be good. I do expect it, however, to respect the laws of sanity. I would say that it is the most insane movie ever made about Australia, but Kangaroo Jack opens this weekend.

Drinking game watchability: 4

I got a message from a good friend of mine on New Year's Eve: "Hey man... don't rent the Croc hunter movie and drink every time he says 'croc,' 'cause otherwise, you'll die."

3. Resident Evil _ Imagine the worst Trent Reznor music video possible. Imagine a movie scored by Marilyn Manson (no, really). Imagine a director who saw The Matrix, and liked it a little too much for his own good. Imagine a zombie movie with hilariously bad zombies. Imagine Resident Evil. Good, now you don't have to actually watch it.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 2

Yep, it's another terrible video game movie. Nothing to report here.

Drinking game watchability: 3

It's all the benefits of a bad horror movie PLUS bad Matrix rip-off effects. Now, if only the whole thing didn't sound like a really bad Rob Zombie album at maximum volume, you might find some aspects to mock.

4. A Walk to Remember _ A laughably bad movie starring fading star Mandy Moore as a really nice girl who is mocked because she's a) not a slut; and b) wears frumpy sweaters. But she has a secret... she's dying.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 3

The film's treatment of leukemia is pretty offensive. Otherwise, it's a bad movie based off of a bad book by a bad writer. Next!

Drinking game watchability: 9

This is a bad movie buffet: the token black guy, the disapproving father, the angelic Mandy Moore and the brooding-but-sensitive Shane West. Special bonus awful dialogue: "My girlfriend is dying of leukemia. Can you help, dad?" "I'm a cardiologist." "I knew you wouldn't understand!!"

5. Men in Black II _ MiB II is a photocopy. It looks like the last movie, it plays like the last movie, but every joke, idea and character is a pale imitation of the last one.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 7

>Drinking game watchability: 3

Bad horror/action movies and overly serious dramas make excellent fodder for late night drinking games. Lame comedy does not. It also doesn't help that, much like Wild Wild West, Will Smith's music video is more entertainingly lame than his film. (Just Nod Yer Head!)

6. Reign of Fire _ Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughy yell at each other a lot as poorly animated dragons eat ash and burn 2020 to the ground. The film is so grimy, grim and poorly lit that you can barely see how bad it is.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 8

They had a chance to make a movie in which modern day weapons fight medieval dragons. While goofy, it had the capacity to be the Robocop of dragon movies. Instead, it was a grimy and poorly thought-out mess. God, how I would like to see a dragon movie that does not stink.

Drinking game watchability: 3

Matthew McConaughy pretty much nukes his career here.

7. Ballistic: Ecks versus Sever _ Note to action directors: no one cares if empty train cars blow up in an abandoned lot. No one. Note to action producers: if your title indicates that two characters will face each other during the movie, they shouldn't end up on the same side for half of it.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 1

Reporting that a movie named Ballistic: Ecks versus Sever is bad is like reporting that the latest Carrot Top commercial isn't funny. Even the Pope would say, "Right, right, but, we knew that. Tell me about the new cult movie with that crazy guy, John Travolta."

Drinking game watchability: 3

Despite an inspired beluga whale reconciliation sequence and an unshaven Antonio Banderas, most of this movie is too boring to make you want to laugh at it.

8. John Q _ It was more incredibly mediocre than it was awful. However, it belongs on this list because of blown opportunities. There will be, at some point, a thoughtful, intense movie about the screwed up state of health care in America. And it's not this sappy garbage.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 8

Let's see, actors wasted... Denzel Washington, Ray Liotta, Robert Duvall, James Woods, Anne Heche, Eddie Griffith. Issue simplified... health care, heart transplants, HMOs...bad direction, writing, music.... "infini-film behind the scenes DVD"... Yep, this one belongs in bad movie hell.

Drinking game watchability: 7

There's nothing quite like good actors giving shockingly bad performances to let the comedy juices flow. (Special bonuses for Ray Liotta and Eddie Griffith jokes.)

9. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones _ This is the official death knell of a once beloved series. I cared more about the plot of The Scorpion King.

Filmmaking irresponsibility: 9

The director/writer/creator is a graphics whore. I can accept that. Screwing with everything everyone holds dear from the first three funny and exciting movies. Okay. Casting Hayden "Weenie-face" Christenen as the future Darth "badass" Vader? Whatever. But making Samuel L. Jackson look like a chump? That's the last evil thing you'll ever do, George Lucas. You pushed the wrong freaking button.

Drinking game watchability: 8

The first line of this movie is a random guard saying, "Well, I guess there was no reason at all to worry." Then his spaceship blows up behind him. This movie is a bad dialogue goldmine.