Ball handling

I've always wondered why men watch movies with one hand tucked snuggly into their boxers. It is as though while their attention is diverted to the TV screen, their testicles are going to seize the opportunity, detach themselves, and run away. Seriously, I think all men deserve an honorary UPS jacket for the amount of time they spend handling their package.

Yet despite the frequency with which most men have their hands down their pants, I'd be willing to bet that very few regularly give themselves testicular exams. I guess it could seem as though there are more... ahem... productive things you could be doing while touching yourself then checking for tumors. But only a few minutes once a month is all that it takes to give your testicles a thorough examination. And these few minutes could potentially prevent a terrible disease, which anyone would argue is more productive than spanking your monkey.

I know that when I think of cancer, I think of it as a health problem that people won't have to worry about until they're at least 30. And as a woman, this is for the most part true. Men, however, must start being cancer-conscious earlier on, since testicular cancer hits a much younger age group.

According to the American Cancer Association, testicular cancer is the number one cancer killer in men aged 20 to 30. The good news is that the survival rate is very high. The bad news is that the survival rate is high only if the tumor is caught within the first three months.

A doctor is your best bet for the most accurate tumor screening, but in between visits, it's wise to do a self-check up on the status of your balls. So in the name of good health, come on boys, get those hands down those pants! (It's not like it's something you're that uncomfortable doing.)

While on your way to "the land down under," you might as well check for signs of venereal disease. Checking for venereal disease doesn't mean assuming you're clean just because you're member is intact, a relatively normal color, and didn't turn into a cauliflower over night.

Your penis should be examined at all angles, meaning that bringing a mirror into the mix could be helpful. (Funny how some of our kinkier moments happen when we are alone). Bumps, sores, and blisters are all signs that you may have a disease. If you have any of these symptoms, take your hands off your family jewels, pick up the phone, and schedule an appointment with a doctor. If the Salami is kosher, then move on to your testicles.

They're hairy, smell bad, and retract when you're cold, they are... dun na na... your balls. Take a second to get acquainted with your testicles, hell, even name them if you haven't already. Hopefully, you have just stepped out of a warm bath or shower so that your sac is hanging freely from your body. Grab each testicle one at a time between your thumb and your fingers and roll it around. You are looking for any small hard lumps that would probably be at the sides of your testicles. These lumps are very often painless, so even if it doesn't hurt, you should still call a doctor.

Another reason you may want to contact your physician is if you notice a heavy feeling in one side of your scrotum. If you notice no lumps or heaviness, you are free to ignore your testicles for another month and concentrate all your attention back to Captain Happy if you so desire. Just make sure that after a couple of weeks you venture back into the land of the free ball and check those suckers out again.

Everyone has a busy schedule, and remembering to give oneself a testicular exam isn't at the top of anyone's to-do list. Perhaps you could start associating Monday Night Football with your scrotum. Next time you catch yourself with your hands on your package watching TV, just remember to do a testicular self-exam that night after you get out of the shower.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, and all of our unexplained habits have some sort of evolutionary purpose. What if men's ball handling habits stem from some subconscious knowledge that their testicles need to be examined? On the other hand, it could just be that sticking one's hands down one's pants is the most convenient way of heating them. At any rate, with the amount of time that you boys spend holding your package, a testicular self-exam shouldn't be too much of an inconvenience, and it may even save your life.