To IM or not to IM

Forget the sea of troubles, I want to play with slings and arrows. But I cannot do that inside because it would not be safe, and I do not want to be that far away from my computer. Why? Listen and you shall hear of the midnight addiction of Chris right here. The following ramble is about my personal crack cocaine and yours, instant messenger.

I'll certainly be the first person in line when they create a 12-step program for IM-aholics. If it were not for IM, I am sure my whole life would shrivel to the size of a cashew, and my productivity would rise though the roof. As the QWERTY keyboard was created to slow down typists so they would not jam the keys, I'm sure that the sadistic programmer who created AOL Instant Messenger was trying to keep the American work ethic at a low but attainable level.

For every friend I have in England and California that I talk to over IM (thus saving my cell charges), I have a pathetic counterexample. I have IMed my friends who were two rooms away. Aw heck, I've wirelessly IMed my roommates who were sitting at the other end of the couch. Ask yourself this question: are there people you talk to online every day, that you think you see all the time, but you cannot remember the last time you physically saw them? If the answer is yes, go IM that person and tell them to meet you at Diesel or Brown & Brew for a coffee. Maybe your friend has grown a goatee or a third arm since the last time you saw him.

How about those friends you never see nor ever talk to, but you read their away messages so you feel like you know all about their lives? Do you look into your bathroom mirror every day and tell yourself you are not a stalker? Face the facts: the second you sit down at the computer you check 30 different away messages; then, 20 minutes later you check them all again in case something changed.

I admit that I have spent more time writing away messages than I have on my taxes. And please, if you're going to leave up an "I am away from my computer" message, just leave yourself idle so I don't waste those precious 3 seconds looking. I think enough people read my own away message every day that I could cause a War of the Worlds panic by leaving a message up saying "Giant carnivorous worms invade Medford... Run!!!"

I have some friends now that I do not actually remember their real names, I only know their screen names. Sometimes I walk down the street and actually call out things like "Hey Skat3rGyrl43! How was your date with XXXHottStud41?" And while we're here, how much mescaline are people taking before they come up with their screen names? Mine seems so simple compared to the ones where someone apparently let their cat walk across the keyboard for a few minutes.

But we do everything over IM. We fight, we have sex, we declare war on small Pacific Island groups, and we even make puns. Maybe IM has replaced passing notes during study hall. I know for sure that I have made more dates over IM than over the phone now. I can still remember the very first time I called up a girl on the phone, and the quavering in my fearful voice as we talked about how much we both like Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese. Later, I named my first hamster after her hamster; it seemed more romantic than pulling her ponytail in homeroom. But I digress...

Sure we think we are bolder and braver, but I'm Italian; I talk with my hands and typing just isn't the same thing. And I do not think I can put five years of E-flirting on my resume right after proficient in Word and Excel. Sure IM is great for that friend who just woke up with morning breath that could wilt scallions, but *hugz* just is not a substitute for real physical contact. No emoticon can ever mimic a smile that can melt your soul, and until someone finds a way to make a smiley face stick out its tongue and stick thumbs in both ears, I'll save that for one-on-one time.

All of this IM conversation is ruining the spelling and grammar of a generation. I feel like I am the only person who uses semicolons outside of a winking eye. While I am just as kewl as the next guy, if my peeps are dissin' their boi, I wonder. And of course, the plural of boi is boiz otherwise you'd have French wood. If I wanted to de-standardize a language I could. Do you want to get IM's like this?

Sum thymes eye dew knot right pros, butt yew knead two bee whys.

Then stop typing things like "r u kiddin;" it just atrophies your brain.

I shall end here. If you have to IM people, be verbose and witty.

Here are my final pet peeves: "tu" sucks all the effort and meaning out of a thank you, "oic" means you were not really listening, and "brb" means you have become bored with me. If you are trapped under a grand piano, it's ok to not reply to my message. But unless both your arms have fallen off, take the time to tell me where you've gone.

"FaulknerianRanter71" signed off at 6:18:06 PM.

Chris Morse is a professor of Chemistry.