Stupid people

Maybe I'm just a bad person, but its fun when stupid things happen to stupid people.

Now, look, I don't have anything against stupid people, as long as they are well confined in a cage which is watched over by a large, armed man named "Bruno" at all times. If they are properly contained, they are harmless to others. However, until the government accepts my proposal for herding all the fools of society into New York and renaming it "Idiot Isle," we're stuck with them. Luckily, there are times that the Fates shine brightly upon us and the idiots out-idiotize themselves, striking a blow for genetics.

Case in point: in Philadelphia, a man was recently chased by a horde of Catholic schoolgirls. Now, generally, most guys could think of worse fates, but this particular tale took a turn for the worse. Why? Turns out Rudy Susanto had a track record of exposing himself to the school and went for it one to many times. As many as 20 girls confronted him and, when Rudy tried to run, they caught up and started kicking and punching him. In fact, two local men helped to make sure Rudy wasn't going anywhere. "The girls came and started kicking him and punching him, so I wasn't going to stop them," neighbor Robert "Sour" Lemmons said. When asked why not, Lemmons declined to comment and then told his friend to put the video camera away.

All in all, our boy Rudy got off easy. Not so for poor Emanuel Fleming of Illinois, who according to the Associated Press was rushed to the hospital with a phone booth attached to his hand. Yes, folks, Fleming was going for some change in the payphone slot and his hand became stuck. After several people tried to help him (and another several dozen stood around and laughed), Fleming used his free hand to call 911. After they arrived, the perplexed ambulance crew decided that the most logical thing to do was to cut the base of the telephone and take both Fleming and the phone to the hospital. Why they didn't, say, cut Fleming loose of the phone, I'm not quite sure. But what really interests me about this story is this: when he got to the hospital, doctors used "a wooden device and lubricant" to pry his finger out of the slot.

Just proves that all the technology in the world will never replace the miracle of tongue depressors and K-Y Jelly.

Let's move on to Moscow, where there is always something wacky going on. This month it was a vodka-drinking challenge, which ended with the winner dead and several of the runners-up hospitalized. The (ahem) "winner" drank 3 half-liter bottles of vodka in "30, maybe 40" minutes, according to Reuters, before collapsing and passing on at his home. Now I generally don't like to talk about death in this column -- it's SUCH a downer -- but in this case, it serves an important notice. So remember kids. Binge drinking is bad, especially if you suck at it.

Another sad tale comes from Banjul, Gambia, where Reuters reported that a "28-year-old man accused of stealing a man's penis through sorcery was beaten to death." Apparently reports of magical penis snatchings are quite common in Banjul, and there is currently a widespread fear of penis-snatchery running rampant. According to police, the alleged victims claim that sorcerers touch them in order to make their genitals "shrink or disappear in order to extort cash in the promise of a cure." The irony, of course, was that there was no shrinking going on. The entire town just has really small penises.

It should also be noted that the article didn't state what he was beaten to death with.

As you can see, stupidity is not just a danger to the wielder, but a danger to all those around him or her. It is vital that we, as a society, come together and contain these stupid people into one central, easily guarded location. Aside from Harvard. They've already got more than they can handle.

What? I had to get a cheap shot in SOMEWHERE!