Weapon of mass distraction

Back home, my friends and I came up with names and sayings which automatically create a punch line in any situation. Among such luminaries as "Michael Jackson's nose", "your mom," and "horse" stood out amongst the crowd as good names to call each other. Whenever a punch line was needed, it was always a safe bet that you can throw around the name of "Don King" and get laughs.

For those who don't know, Don King is the luminous promoter of every boxing-related thing known to man, including the Ear Clipper 3000, a.k.a. Mike Tyson. He is also famous for his many guest spots on top-rated shows, such as Miami Vice and Blossom. His radioactively-styled hair has garnered as many Homeland Security warnings as Osama's Mama and his witty mutilation of the English language is legendary. Through constant media pressure he has become a pop culture fixture and an idol to millions of odd-looking people around the world.

What is the appeal about Don King, though? What is it about him that causes instant laugh riots, universally? The hair, obviously, but there needs to be more aside from the Do to End All Do's. It is the stylish rhyming way he has with words? The suave, self-confident way he has with the ladies? The strange tinted color his skin has?

Perhaps it lies in the ridiculous things he does. Case in point, ESPN.com recently ran a news blurb that alerted me to the fact that Don King has recently offered up 54 acres of his property to the Florida Marlins as a home for their new stadium. Claiming that Pro Player Stadium is too big for baseball (something that has only become a problem since people started to actually go to Marlins games), the club has begun to look for new sites, and Mr. King thinks he has the ideal location. "It's a marriage made in heaven for Floridians," said King. The club had no official response to Mr. King's offer, but General Manager Larry Beinfest was heard to remark "Oh, hells no."

The question, then, is why Mr. King would feel compelled to offer up his land. He plans on hosting boxing matches in the stadium, so clearly he plans on losing money. It could be a gesture of goodwill, but really, anyone who has willingly been in an episode of Knight Rider clearly hates all of humanity, so that's not the answer. Lucky for our readers, someone happened to be bugging Mr. King's palace at the time he came up with this brilliant idea. What follows is a transcript.



King: Slave! Yo, slave, we gonna have the Marlins moving in, so hurry with the din-din.

Manservant: Sir, we prefer the term Manservant these days.

King: Shut it, Slave. Now move yo' feet or I will de-LETE!

Manservant: You realize you make no sense, yes Sir?

King: Hush! Bring me some Viagra for my hair, you freakish looking pear!

Manservant: Do you have any idea how much I loathe you, Sir?



What happened after this conversation isn't suitable for description in a public periodical, but it involved someone impaled by King's hair. We'll let you figure out the details and we hope the reporter who witnessed this act recovers his sanity soon.

It's not just his ridiculous antics that draw attention to the Don of Kings. In fact, he is a well-noted advocate of racial equality. His tagline, "Only in America," is as much at reference to his rise to riches from the poverty of the ghetto as it is in reference to his ridiculous style. In fact, according to his website, cities such as Newark, NJ have declared a Don King Day to honor him for his good works. Granted, not killing anyone in Newark, NJ is enough to get a day named after you, but it is still an honor and should be noted.

Some people say that boxing is dead and no one cares anymore. As long as there is breath in Don King's body, however, I know this will never come to pass. His passion, energy and ridiculously-colored hair will prop up the sport. For your good works and willingness to make the lives of struggling comedians easier, we here at The Colizzle salute you!

Just keep your damn hair away from me.