Yankees Suck

Rough weekend, real rough weekend.

Just got back to my room. Brain fried. Still work to do -- a grip of work to do. Test...essay...problem set....probably more. Drank three cups of white tea -- ready for a long night.

Oh yeah...sports column. Went to the bathroom. That's where we get together and talk on my floor. Big bathroom. What should the column be on?

Only guy there was, the only guy I really wanted. Big Alaskan guy. Huge Alaskan guy. I bet I could get in a punch or two, but if he wanted to, he could clean my clock. His girlfriend was there too -- been here for weeks. I think she has a key by now.

Didn't need the girl, but the guy could give me a column. Not 'cause he'd tell me what to write about, but 'cause he'd tell me what not to write about.

"What should my column be on?" I asked him.

"What should your column be on?"

"We're the only two in here -- plus the girl -- and you don't have a column."

"Yeah...I don't know...what's going on in the sports world?"

Same question I always ask myself. I usually know. But not tonight.

"Write about March Madness...ummm...does anybody even care?" he asked.

"Maybe some, but not big-time yet."

"What is up with this school? What is up with Boston?" he screamed. May have scared the girl.

I've asked myself these questions, but never so loudly.

"All anybody cares about here are the Red Sox," he says.

"What about the Patriots, people cared about them, right?"

"Nobody gives a s--t about the Patriots, 'cept for a couple weeks. They're like, 'Big whup, they won the Super Bowl again. How is that gonna help us win the Series?'"

Couldn't disagree there. All about the Sox. All about the Sox. Not only that. All about the Yankees. Celtics lose. Yankees suck. Bruins lose. Yankees suck. Pats lose. Yankees suck. Sox lose. Yankees suck. Yankees suck. Yankees suck.

Don't have that in Denver. We hate the Raiders. We hate the Red Wings. We hate it that the Rockies have to pitch at high altitude. But we don't blame Nuggets losses on any of those things.

Is it just me? Why don't Chowda Heads care about anything except for the Sox? Celtics are in the tank. Bruins are kicking ass. Pats are number freaking one. Who cares? This is the Sox's year.

Who else calls a group of fans a nation? Ain't no Grizzlies Nation.

Can't just be me. What do kids from other states think? What does Montana think? What does Cali think? What does Upstate-Jersey-Long Island-Connecticut think?

Didn't SI do this? Asked subscribers what sports their states cared most about. But they had boring questions. Biggest state rivalry. Everyone knows this. Favorite player. Know this too. Elway could run for governor as a fascist and get 100 percent.

Need better questions. Need to ask kids from every state. We have all 50 at this school, right? Tell them to e-mail me. Tell them to answer some questions.

Questions like these. Number of months spent caring about which sports. Whose jersey is worth $75. A ______ shouldn't dare cross the border. What they think of Boston fans.

That's four. That's short. That's easy. They can even add more if they want. They can rant all they want. I'll probably read it.

Have to keep the answers about their state. This'll give me another column. If they e-mail me. They better. Or I may have to spend more bathroom time with that Alaskan and his girlfriend.

Columns are hard in a Sox town. Yankees suck.

You will reach Brian Loeb at...gasp! Brian.Loeb@tufts.edu.