Hello. I love you. Won't you tell me your major?

I was talking with a friend of mine about the social scene at Tufts. I posed this question to him: Of all the girls that go out to a frat party on any given night, what percentage of them hook up with a guy they've never hooked up with before? He said it was ten percent. I said it was five percent or less. Whatever the actual number is, it is pretty low considering that the entire purpose of going to a frat party seems to be hooking up with a stranger.

A lot has been made about the social scene on campus lately. Some people say it doesn't exist at all. But most people on campus can agree that whatever social scene exists on Tufts campus revolves almost solely around fraternities. Sure, there are house parties and dorm parties. But those suck.

Back to the subject of random hook-ups. We're all young, sexually aware people. You'd think the whole random-hook-up thing would be commonplace. But that works out much better on paper than it does in actuality. Why is this? Let's look at our usual frat-party-goers in attempt to get to the bottom of this:

Girls With Boyfriends: Sometimes these girls go to frat parties with their boyfriends. I don't get that move. Unless you're role-playing or something. "Please. No. I'm just an innocent little freshman and you're such a naughty boy." Other times, a girl with a boyfriend will go out to a frat party with her friends because her boyfriend is out of town, goes to a different school, or is avoiding her because he isn't actually her boyfriend. In this instance, the girl usually says, "I don't need my boyfriend to have fun." Then they go to the frat party with their friends with no intention of hooking up with anyone. They're taking up precious dance floor space merely to socialize with acquaintances. These girls are part of the problem, with the exception of girls willing to cheat. Those girls are awesome.

Guys With Girlfriends: These guys are very similar to the girls with boyfriends. The difference is that the girls with boyfriends are primarily going to frat parties to socialize. The guys with girlfriends are going out to scout. They want a taste of the single life. Guys with girlfriends go to frat parties to get a peek of the outside. They want to make sure they are still well acquainted with the social scene in case they are suddenly released into the wild. Also, these guys are often trying to recruit girls as potential rebounds should their relationship end. That's not to say that there's not some aspect of this in the girls with boyfriends. But, primarily, guys with girlfriends are out at the frats as spies.

Single Guys: This is the simplest, most understandable group at the frat party. They aren't there for the beer, the dancing, or the socializing with acquaintances. Not that they don't enjoy those things. But they're really there for only one thing: Vagina. And I don't mean the monologues, brotha. Single guys want to be part of that five percent or ten percent or whatever it is. If that doesn't work out for them, the next step is to go for the regular hook-up. This is dangerous territory. The regular hook-up can turn into a girlfriend faster than you can say "Hey. It's me. Just called to say hi." And when that happens, the single guy has two options: he can cut ties with the regular hook-up, leaving him with the possibility of going home alone, or he can become one of the guys with girlfriends. Choices like that can make or break a semester. All that aside, the bottom line is that a lot of these single guys wind up going home alone. That makes sense. But this next group is what confounds me.

Single Girls: If they are going out to the frat party to find a random hook-up or even to get with their regular hook-up then they are fine in my book. My book, incidentally, is titled "Andy Zatz: Portrait of a Masturbator." Then there are the single girls who say they are going to a frat party with the intention of hooking up. Then they don't. "Why not?" you may ask them. They didn't feel like it. They got too drunk. They weren't drunk enough. Whatever the reason is, it's a lame excuse. Why are so many of these single girls going home alone? Maybe it's because they don't really want the random hook-up at all. Maybe they secretly want someone to look up at the stars with. And they think that, because hooking-up and romantic love are linked, however distantly, that something serious could materialize from a frat party encounter. Whether or not that's possible, I don't know.

So what's the solution? How do we get the percentage up? More alcohol? Theme parties? Lower standards? Maybe. Or maybe it's that our generation or more specifically the more intelligent members of it (face it -- Tufts is a nerd school) isn't all that interested in the random hook-up. So how do we all get some more ass? Meet people outside the frat party environment. Get their number. Wine them. Dine them. You know the rest.