The new paper-writing plan

"Hard work is for people short on talent." This statement appears in "Brain Droppings" by the great George Carlin. Which brings me to this week's column subject: It's getting to be that time of year when we liberal arts students realize that we're going to have to actually do some work.

That's right -- it's time for final papers. Usually these papers range from 10 to 20 pages. Anyone who has written a final paper has encountered this dilemma: You've written your paper. It's quality work. But you've completely run out of things to write about and you need to fill up seven more pages. That's why I'm here to show you the way -- the paper-writing technique that the professors at Tufts don't want you to know.

It begins with this simple fact: 90 percent of your paper grade rests in your introduction and conclusion. You need a good thesis. It has to be original. The more outlandish, the better. If you want to theorize that Hamlet didn't actually want to murder anyone but was pressured into it by society and family duty, you're in trouble. Because that has been written about a thousand times by people a lot more talented than you. But if you want to theorize that Hamlet was incestuous and gay and was actually in love with his dead father, then you've got something.

Another trick you need to use is to start and end your paper with a bang. You need shock value. The professors at Tufts have read so many papers that they all eventually become a big blur. The first and last sentences of your paper need to either be a quote or a question. Also, your conclusion needs to have a twist. Think of it like a movie. Would "The Usual Suspects" have been a good movie if it didn't have that surprise ending? Probably. But that's beside the point. If your thesis is that Hamlet is incestuous and gay then, in your conclusion, you need to go even farther. Say that Hamlet's conversation with his father's ghost is actually Hamlet masturbating while imagining his father. Of course that's not true. But who cares? At least it's interesting.

Once you've got your introduction and conclusion written, the hard part is over. All you have left is the body. This is what gives most people trouble. This is where you need to fill in a lot of words to get to the mandatory number of pages. Think of it this way: This column is supposed to be 900 words. This word is going to be the four hundred and fortieth word in the column: Diarrhea. So I'm about halfway done. I've identified the middle paragraph of my paper. You should do the same. Now think of your paper as a bell curve. The middle paragraph is the apex. All you have to do now is take the paragraph preceding it and rephrase it after the middle paragraph. Then rewrite the paragraph before that one in other words. Keep going until you get your paper to the right length. Eventually, your paper should look something like this: INTRO - A - B - C - D - MIDDLE PARAGRAPH - D - C - B - A - CONCLUSION. And don't worry. Your professor won't figure it out. Professors don't read the bodies of papers. They have better things to do. Even if your professor does read the body, he or she won't notice your copying technique. And even if your professor figures it out, who cares? As long as the stuff you're repeating is quality stuff, it's all good.

A technique you should also employ is beginning and concluding your essay with something shocking. The element of surprise is very useful. Professors read many papers and they tend to sound alike after a while. A quote or a question is a good way to begin and end your paper. Also, your paper should end with a twist. Something that takes your thesis into even deeper depths of wackiness. Remember - as long as your paper is interesting, it will get a good grade.

Ten percent of your paper grade comes from the body. A great thesis is much more important. Your thesis needs to be creative. The more crazy-sounding your thesis is, the better you will do. An obvious thesis has surely been written about many times by people that have more ability than you. So you need to go overboard. Trust me -- your professors will love it. Therefore, if your introduction and conclusion contain really a bizarre thesis, you're bound to get a good grade even if you prove your thesis through questionable means.

See what I did there? I just rehashed my second and third paragraphs in my fifth and six paragraphs. And I've almost reached my word count. All I had to do was switch subjects and objects, thesaurus a couple of words, and -- presto! -- brand new paragraphs. While it may be that the professors at Tufts don't want you to know the paper-writing technique I've explained in this column, they actually secretly want you to use it because it actually makes your paper read a lot better. Even very successful paper-writers repeat themselves many times. And after all -- isn't repeating what successful paper-writing is really all about?