Here are some tips for how to live your life during your four years at Tufts.
1. Don't make a point of trying to appear smarter than you are. There's a good number of intelligent people here and I can honestly say that the brightest ones never use big words when they don't have to or write useless articles just to let everyone know that they did some real eye-opening charity work over the summer. However, if you're unable to follow this advice and feel the need to separate yourself from the pack, then at least back it up and spend every waking minute you have in the library. You might actually get smarter, and plus, I won't have to deal with you.
2. Beirut is fun, but Beirut for money is a game of kings.
3. Don't write articles in the paper that have no original point, especially when all you're saying is something along the lines of, "cocaine is unhealthy" or "drunk driving is irresponsible." Not only are you wasting my time, but you're also working to enforce the status quo and its safe beliefs. And that's never good. Besides, everyone knows that cocaine is unhealthy and drunk driving is irresponsible, so all you're really doing is wasting ink and paper. So stop it, you treekiller.
4. Always trust in Bill Belichick and Theo Epstein. If either of these two guys or Johnny College were the president of Tufts instead of Larry "Danny Ainge and Rick Pitino combined" Bacow, we would upset Harvard and Yale in the next collegiate rankings guaranteed.
5. Ignore anyone that tells you to play it safe at the Naked Quad Run. Yes, some kids have been TEMSed in the past because they drank too much, but the truth is that those kids simply didn't know how to drink. I've run twice in the last two years myself and can say that the biggest danger I ever faced was possibility of seeing a fat dude bend over. Granted this was terrifying, but the fact remains that you shouldn't let cowards kill one of our only great party nights. Also, do everyone a favor and don't drink yourself to death. If you're just that crazy fun-loving kind of guy who can't control how much he drinks, then don't do it just for your own sake, but for the sake of the thousands of Tufts kids who need at least one good party every year.
6. Start looking for off-campus housing now. Otherwise, you'll end up with the same landlord I had my junior year.
7. If you see a business card lying around campus that advertises "General Solutions for Specific Problems," call the number immediately. This advice hotline has helped many people get through some real tough times and it could do the same for you.
9. Learn to ski and help me build a jump on the President's Lawn this winter. We've had some pretty decent ones in recent years and good times were had by all, except for that one dude who tried to do a back-flip and ended up knocking out his two front teeth instead. That must've been pretty rough.
10. For the love of God, don't listen to U2, Ashlee Simpson or any American Idol winners because you just might just end up losing your soul.
11. Create a false identity for yourself so that you can place all and any blame on your fictional friend. While it is sad that we here are Tufts have to create a phony persona in order to say what we want to without being lynched by the coward mob, it still beats not being able to say anything at all.
12. Smoke weed everyday.
That's it, be excellent to each other.<$>
