I am an athlete (a well-endowed one), and for that reason I am reluctant to run on Friday - I don't want to pull anything (wink wink). Any advice on how I can participate in the NQR safely? - Allison "Every Freshman's Fantasy" Love
It's funny how, in the extremes of college life, something as simple and innocent as running around naked can result in serious injury. But the fact that you can get seriously messed up running the NQR is irrefutable, so I'll run through a quick checklist of things I would recommend doing before you bare it all for the horny digi-cam wielding freshman and the sexually deviant geriatric locals with their tripod-mounted JVC camcorders.
-- Stretch: It is deceptively easy to pull a muscle - any muscle - when you are running naked in thirty-degree weather. If you are seriously concerned about pulling a muscle, spend a good ten to fifteen minutes (minimum) stretching out before you strip and run.
-- Warm-up: Warm-up in both senses of the word. Stay as warm as you can up until the very last second before beginning to run. Take a few practice laps around campus and jog the Res Quad circuit to familiarize yourself with the terrain. I remember a particularly hideous accident that involved a naked girl, her chest, a patch of black ice and some very unforgiving asphalt. Always watch where you're running, since a twisted ankle can sideline you for weeks.
-- Appropriate footwear: A pair of running shoes, along with some warm wool socks is what I'd recommend for this event. Make sure the shoes have some sort of traction on the bottom, since the ground will most likely be wet with melted snow/rain/beer/barf. Double knot the laces, since an errant shoelace could spell disaster for a herd of frantic and naked drunk people. Ever seen what happens to the one clumsy buffalo that falls down when the rest of his buddies are stampeding? It's not pretty.
-- Try to stay reasonably sober. Yes, it is the most drunken night of the year. Yes, being hammered makes it easier to show your goodies to the rest of the school in an inebriated jaunt around the quad. But think about it. Alcohol impairs coordination. Running requires coordination. Get it? So if you are thoroughly bombed, it is going to become a much more dangerous undertaking than it would have had you hit the beer bong three times instead of twelve times. I'm not telling you to adopt a straight-edge attitude and refrain from all forms of judgment-impairing substances. I'm just saying that overdoing it will probably result in a trip to the emergency room.
-- If you are one of those who likes to think of themselves as "well-endowed," then I have two small words for you: duct tape. Why? It's water proof. It provides a protective layer over your precious (insert appropriate word here). It will keep your odds and ends secure and manageable, so you don't have to worry about it/them accidentally thwapping that kid from your bio class as he passes you on the left. And, when you are finally sober enough to remove it, you will have given yourself a nice free wax job!
So, loyal reader(s), enjoy yourselves on Friday night, but do it in moderation. Be safe, get buzzed and appreciate the efforts of the administration to mollify this event instead of simply banning it.
