Note: The following column was written for and applies to the heterosexual male. Apologies to females, homosexuals and especially female homosexuals.
You know the situation. It is 10 p.m. on a Thursday night and you are busy IMing that cutie you met a week ago. You mention that your roommate is gone and invite her over for a movie. Now you are faced with the ultimate dilemma: what is the best movie to hook up to?
Some of you may be thinking anything will do, but to those, I say, "Listen, Grasshopper. There is an art to picking the correct movie."
"'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'?"
I scoff. "Yes, girls love it, but choosing a movie about breakups is not the way to get her to follow your happy trail. You want action, not a nostalgic philosophical conversation about someone's exes.
"Leave talking to women where it belongs: squarely in the realm of the gay best friend," I wisely add.
Now, hopefully you are not like me and you don't have the compulsive need to finish every movie you start watching. But if you are, you will find this list can still serve your needs. The movies are perfect: too terrible to finish but just good enough to hold attention for a little while. Even a massive film buff won't feel bad turning down these flicks to get some action.
Without further ado, The Guy's List of Movies to Hook Up To:
Number 7: "Reality Bites"
"Can you define irony?"
"It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning."
The words that defined our middle school youth coupled with '90s nostalgia and Ethan Hawke makes this movie a sure-fire hit. As an added bonus, its sad depiction of post-collegiate life will make the girl depressed enough to lower her standards for you. Be sure not to scream "Lisa Loeb!" during the lovemaking.
Number 6: "Bringing Up Baby"
Cary Grant is a charming man. This means that normally one would want to avoid showing a movie with the Grantster for fear that his charm and attractiveness would make you look like the inept slob you actually are. Never fear, for this movie has him in full super-dork mode. Your fumbling attempts to unhook her bra one-handedly will seem like a fingersmith at work when compared to Grant's blundering over the intercostal clavicle. A wacky storyline and a great Katherine Hepburn makes the movie fun to watch, but the third-act sag is a great time for third-basing.
Number 5: "The Ring" (Or Equivalent)
Ah, the horror movie. A classic method for scaring the pants off any squeamish female visitor. I choose "The Ring" to represent the genre for a host of good reasons: not a lot of blood, so it won't disgust her scary enough for her to cling to you, and the underlying creepiness will mean she won't want to sleep alone that night. Be sure to get the American version, because despite the recommendation a friend of a friend gave you, the original Japanese movie, "Ringu," is NOT as scary. The next morning, scare her out of your room and to the walk of shame by turning on the TV.
Number 4: "The Thomas Crown Affair"
Obscure enough to seem like an actual movie of worth and clever enough to keep you and your target mildly entertained, "The Thomas Crown Affair" is a solid entry on this list. Pierce Brosnan plays a millionaire who is a master thief. (Movie millionaires only spend money doing stuff that can get them arrested). One thing Brosnan won't capture is your potential hook-up's heart: this movie has
gratuitous, saggy Pierce ass. Once the bowler hats and the plot holes start appearing, the film peters out while you can bring your Peter out.
Number 3: "Requiem for a Dream"
Nothing can go wrong when watching this movie with a female. Women will be powerless to resist this movie's charming scenes. Especially towards the end. Seriously, it's true. Trust me. Try it.
Number 2: "Shrek"
When your competition is a farting ogre, you can't lose. The childish girl will love this movie for its whimsical take on fairytales, while the intellectual will love all the hidden pop culture references. This film is entertaining enough to watch all the way through, but its overexposure is key. Everyone's seen it before, so you can feel free to interrupt this movie whenever you get the urge to initiate dry humping. Hey, if she's never heard Donkey's opinion on parfaits, you shouldn't be interested in her anyway.
Number 1: "Empire Records"
Girls have a secret rulebook. It contains the protocol on such things as when and how to be passive-aggressive, what specific types of shiny things they like to wear around their necks or in their ears, and the codex to decipher the mysterious language of Womanese. I was able to secure a tiny piece of this elusive document. It says, "Article CIV, Section 37a: All females as defined in Article I, Section 2, will love 'Empire Records.'"
I neither understand nor condone this phenomenon, I merely acknowledge it exists.
Use the knowledge wisely, for many Bothans died to give us this information.
This list actually work? Send e-mail to Brett.Weiner@tufts.edu.
