Perhaps you are one of the millions of viewers who have been swept away by the cultural phenomenon known as "CSI." You're not alone. CBS claims that "CSI" is the most-watched television show, ever, on any planet. My goal is to change this.
Those who watch the show, and are therefore most likely entertained by anything that blinks or is "bouncy," might be surprised to learn that "CSI" is actually an acronym for "Crime Scene Investigation." I, however, believe that it should stand for "Clap, Syphilis and Impotence," three of the conditions which I would rather have than watch this show.
Nevertheless, this column is about why horrific things can be so horrific, so I reached for my pad of paper, my pen and my bottle of extra-strength Tylenol in preparation for the show.
I wasted one Thursday night taking in two episodes of "CSI" just to figure out what makes this show so intolerable. Is it the acting? Is it the fact that the CSI team has a computer program capable of solving every problem that has ever manifested itself on the show? A mere 10 minutes into the program, I was given a gift as enlightening as the 10 Commandments:
"Other than the fact that he's deceased, he's in excellent physical condition."
Brilliant! Quite possibly the single dumbest thing that I have ever heard. Wait, what's this? More excruciating Jerry Bruckheimer dialogue?
"Gentlemen, start your shovels!"
This line was particularly humorous because it came at a time when I was beating myself over the head with a shovel to take my focus off of the show.
It's no secret that "CSI" features some of the worst dialogue in recorded history. In fact, I believe that CBS could increase its ratings for "CSI" by completely eliminating spoken word from the show. The characters could use a system of simple hand signals and grunts to communicate with each other.
Why stop there? Let's save some money and eliminate the unnecessary sexual tension that the characters provide by getting rid of said annoying characters and replacing them with semi-intelligent mammals. This is beginning to sound a lot like "CSI: Gorilla," and I think it sounds great. In addition to being able to watch a highly trained squad of forensic apes conquer today's toughest murder mysteries, we can watch them scratch each other's backs and beat their chests when they discover the hidden vaginal fluid on the ceiling of hotel room 122A.
Of course, you cannot judge any show without first subjecting it to the patented Television Pickup Line Test. In the Pickup Line Test, which can be applied to any television show to test its adequacy, selected quotes from the show in question are extracted and used as pickup lines on unsuspecting men/women/gorillas. If the pickup line succeeds, then the show is a winner. Enough clarification; let's get to the test!
For the first iteration of the test, imagine that you are in a bar, sipping on your third Jack and Coke of the night. You're wearing your favorite cologne/perfume, you've outfitted yourself in your favorite collared shirt/pair of tight black pants, and you've gelled/conditioned your hair to the extent that you could enter hardhat areas/places where only people with really soft hair are allowed.
You see a gorgeous potential mate sitting at the bar basking in his/her femininity/masculinity, so you stroll up confidently and deliver the line:
"You know what I like about flesh decomposing in soil? It's predictable."
Oops. Well done, Frankenstein. That injured party will be lucky if he/she ever falls asleep again after hearing that gem of a pick up line. The first "CSI" line has officially failed the Pickup Line Test. Moving on to subject two.
You and your wingman have made your way to the local bar to pick up some ladies. After some heavy pre-gaming, you feel pretty good about yourselves and your chances. You have your eye on two stunning college girls situated at the northeast quadrant of the alcohol-distributing facility. You finish your fermented barley malt solution, head towards them, and deliver with unequivocal bravado:
"We're going to need your clothes."
Immediately one of them punches your friend in the face. As the attacker goes to ice her hand and your friend lies unconscious, you try to console the remaining casualty. "What do you really want?" she inquires right before you deliver "CSI" quote number three:
"I'm gonna need to get a DNA sample from you and take a look around your place - is that cool?"
Game over. Thanks for patronizing our establishment, do come again. That's three strikes for "CSI," and as we all know, no television show that fails the Pickup Line Test is even remotely watch-able.
Unfortunately, I am going to have to end this dialogue about why "CSI" is a horrible show and why nobody should watch it. Realize that I did not even discuss the terror that is "CSI: Miami" (and David Caruso's unmatched talent for delivering low-pitched, monotone one-liners in conjunction with his astonishing head-tilt) or the fact that there are actually more editions of "CSI" than there are cities and towns in the United States.
Someone needs to stop the virus that is "CSI," and I'll be damned if it's not me.
Jeff Volinski is a senior majoring in mechanical engineering. He can be reached at jeffrey.volinski@tufts.edu.
