GONORRHEA! Sorry about that (especially if you have gonorrhea. Yikes.), but I needed to start the column off with a bang and I couldn't think of anything funny. Except for gonorrhea. Which brings me to today's topic: spring break.
Remember spring break? No, not that week in March of your freshman year when you went home and played minesweeper until you beat it on expert for the first time. Not that spring break. Rather, SPRING BREAK.
Some of you are saying, "What other spring break could there possibly be?" Others are saying, "What does gonorrhea have to do with spring break?" Still others are saying, "It took you five days to beat minesweeper? You must suck at life." To the last group, I say: shut up, I didn't know about the trick where you click both the mouse buttons at the same time. To the first two, I say: keep reading, my children.
Thanks to MTV, college spring break is now a weeklong practice in youthful hedonism with any and all time and money spent on booze, boobies and - in some very odd situations - cases and cases of hardwood floor wax.
Time, for college students, is in no short supply. The good university provides us with a week devoid of classes. Money, however, is a different case. If you're like me, you're broke. I'm talking eight-dollars- in-my-checking-account broke. I'm talking opting for the 79-cent soft taco at Taco Bell instead of the 99-cent soft taco supreme, broke. When you're too poor to afford an extra 20 cents for some cool sour cream and diced ripe tomatoes, you are BROKE.
You can't go on spring break broke. You just can't. All these spring break hotspots that you hear so much about - Cancun, Daytona Beach, Baltimore - exist only to bend you over, empty your wallet, and proceed to penetrate the figurative orifice of their choosing.
Do you know how much the average non-water, non-juice, non-milk, non-soda (READ: alcoholic) beverage costs in Cancun? 50 American dollars! That's at least 65 Canadian dollars! 65 dollars for a drink! Even though I might be making that up, that's a lot of money for just one drink.
But as college kids, we are willing to pay it. Maybe it's because we often have no concept of the value of money, maybe it's because we're idiots - there's no way to tell. What I can do, however, is offer you a few tips to make it slightly less uncomfortable when the city of Acapulco violates you. And remember, I probably have no idea what I'm talking about.
Plan ahead of time. This may be common sense, but as with prostitutes and birthday party clowns, the sooner you book, the cheaper it is. I have a friend who had his flight and hotel booked since he was 13. His total projected spring break costs: $87. My other friend bought a ticket for the same flight and reserved a room at the same resort just two days ago. His estimated costs: $127,000. The poor bastard was going to go to medical school next year. Sadly, now he cannot afford it.
The moral of this story: plan ahead for spring break, or give up all your hopes and dreams. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Thanks douche, but it's a week before spring break." Well you should have thought of that earlier. (IRONY ALERT: AT THE WRITING OF THIS COLUMN SAJ HAD NOT YET BOOKED HIS SPRING BREAK FLIGHT NOR CONFIRMED A PLACE TO STAY. YET THANKS TO THE INFINITE FORESIGHT OF HIS FRIENDS, HE WILL HAVE A PLEASANT, CHEAP, RELAXING SEVEN DAYS UNDER THE CARIBBEAN SUN.)
Hotdogs and pasta. The essence of budget dining. Quick, easy, affordable, and DELICIOUS! If you're staying somewhere where you have access to a kitchen, take full advantage of it. Eating out every night will get expensive. Hotdogs and pasta offer you just enough of a balanced diet to keep your booze-mongering motor running for six days until your kidneys fail and your body implodes from a sodium overload.
And remember, phallic meats are ALWAYS funny. If you can't get yourself to do hotdogs and pasta, just remember: you're not there to eat, so this is a good place to cut unnecessary expenses. Do just enough to keep you alive. And don't eat the fruit. God help you if you eat the fruit (READ: diarrhea).
Drink for free. Whenever possible. This is important, as most of your money will go towards alcohol. Girls: just find some frat boy in a pink Lacoste shirt to buy you and your friends a round of drinks. Better yet, if the bartender is male, just sidle up to the bar all sexy-like and make small talk until he thinks he can get you drunk and take you home. Boys are stupid and horny: take advantage of us.
And fellas, you have options here too: gay bars. It's not dishonest and it's not a terrible idea if you're at the end of your financial ropes. Just go in with a friend, head to opposite ends of the bar, and when a guy approaches you and asks to buy you a drink, accept his offer.
When the inevitable question surfaces (you know, cabriolet or camaro, body wash or bar soap, gay or straight) tell him the truth. If the truth is that you're not gay, simply point to your friend at the other end of the bar and say that you're here to help your best friend get over somebody. AND THAT SOMEBODY WAS GONORRHEA. Sorry, I didn't know how to end the column. Happy travels.
