Sex in a committed relationship is always exciting, passionate, engaging and full of emotion, right? Well, if we're completely honest with ourselves, not so much. What happens when the honeymoon period ends in a relationship with someone you really care about, maybe even love? How do you admit to them, but more importantly to yourself, that something just doesn't feel right?
Most of us see sex with a committed partner as an expression of affection and devotion to each other. But after a while, it can get monotonous and loses the spark, passion and spontaneity that once made it so wonderful.
Often, when people are together for a long time, sex becomes an integral part of communication. We come to expect sex as part of our routine as a couple. But there's the rub. Sex should be anything and everything except routine. Let's face it, once you've learned what turns each other on and what gets each other off, you can practically time intercourse to the minute. So what can we do about it?
Well, if it's truly a result of routine, try shaking things up a little bit. Coloring out of the lines can bring the excitement back into sex. This can mean having sex somewhere other than the bedroom (how about the floor, shower, or on the grass under the stars? I've even had really good experiences on the hood of a car and on hiking trails). How about a different time? If you're used to only nighttime sex, try enjoying each other at lunchtime or early in the morning (my personal favorite).
How about the physical aspect? The same old kiss on the neck or method of undressing one another can become so predictable that you cease to feel your partner's hands and touch. Try adding new sensations, like drinking hot tea or sucking an ice cube before kissing or engaging in oral sex. Materials like silk, feathers, leather and cashmere can all be introduced into foreplay and sex in a plethora of ways, such as using them to caress each other (this is especially effective if one of you has his or her eyes closed or is blindfolded - not being able to see what is going on heightens sensations tremendously). Also, adding spontaneity into your sex life is really important. Try sending your partner a suggestive text message or IM next time you're feeling frisky; you may be surprised at how exciting it is to have sex that's completely unplanned.
But what if the problem runs deeper than that? What if you've tried all that? Sex can become problematic when it becomes an obligation. I know I ran into this problem when I was dating my boyfriend long distance for a year. We only saw each other once a month and felt like every time we were together we had to go at it as much as we could. But it turned sex into a chore, and that took a real toll on both of us. We never discussed what kind of sex we wanted or whether we were really in the mood at all, it was just a mad rush towards the finish line over and over and, well, let's just say his neighbors weren't too pleased. But I always left my visits feeling unsatisfied.
Finally, something clicked. One time when I went up, we abstained from sex entirely. We spent the weekend holding hands, talking, kissing and generally really paying each attention to each other's needs and wants. Because sex wasn't an option, we found other ways to renew our passion. And you know what? It really helped.
Now, I'm not saying you have to abstain. Sex is great, and working toward fixing the root of the problem may mean more than taking some time off (but I do think it's worth a shot). My biggest suggestion is to talk. Sometimes you may not be in the mood for that passionate, romantic movie-style sex. Sometimes sex just needs to be sex, carnal and animalistic. Sometimes you may want it to be playful. Maybe you even want to experiment with Tantra and see how long you can hold out. Let's face it: that romantic dinner and cuddling in front of the fire (or electric heater - hey, this is college) may just not fit your mood.
The more a date or event together is contrived, the more you feel constrained to have sex within the bounds of that mood. But all that planning can leave you feeling deadened and bored. Speak up! You may surprise yourself and your partner when you open up about what you and your body are really craving. Maybe your partner is feeling the same way, but even if he or she isn't, they'll probably be so eager to please you that they'll be more than willing to change their plans.
I don't claim to be an expert on this topic. Dealing with stale sex can be really difficult and take some brutally honest self-reflection. But trust me, you're worth it. And once you've gotten to the root of the problem, your sex life is likely to rebound with a heightened energy and awareness that will lead to new experimentation, exploration, and intimacy that can bring the best sex you and your partner have ever had.
Sara Franklin is a sophomore majoring in history. She can be reached via e-mail at Sara.Franklin@tufts.edu.
