It may be hard to believe, but there are actually some people out there who don't have a date tonight. Rather than judge these losers, we figured we'd put our knowledge of the arts|living to practical use and offer up a list of ways to cope with the depressing situation so many people find themselves in this Valentine's Day. If we've learned anything from watching Hollywood comedies, being alone is as bad as your best friend dying. Thus, we decided the best way to deal with singlehood is to treat it as a mortal loss. Here, we present the five stages of V-Day grieving, complete with tips for getting through it.
DENIAL:
-Pretend you're a Jehovah's Witness. They don't need these silly holidays.
-Send a candygram to yourself. Write a sexy message in it. Pretend it's from "the girl you met last summer." ("She lives in Canada, met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.")
-According to the French Republican calendar, it's not even Feb. 14! It's the month of Pluvi??se and the day of Gu??de instead. Celebrate by guillotining that guy down your hall who always takes forty-minute showers.
ANGER:
-Tell whoever will listen to you that Valentine's Day is a stupid holiday that the capitalists invented to give people another opportunity to buy sh*t.
-Make an iTunes playlist of angsty anti-love anthems ("Love Will Tear Us Apart," "Boys Don't Cry") and listen to it on repeat in your room in the dark. (If you live in a dorm, leave your door ajar and hope that cute emo girl down the hall realizes how sensitive you are!)
-Work on your knitting. Sharp needles are fun to throw, too!
BARGAINING:
-Write a song for your mom. You probably forgot all about her feelings, ingrate.
-Post 10 entries in your LiveJournal about your ideal lover - change "likes sacrificing cats on altars" to "loves kittens!!!! ;-)" so that you'll find more matches.
-Offer to trade your roommate your new pair of pink Uggs if you can borrow her boyfriend for the night.
DEPRESSION:
-Don't even bother doing your homework for "Creative Writing: Poetry." No one understands you anyway.
-Rent "Sleepless in Seattle," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," and "When Harry Met Sally." Weep.
-Listen to "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meat Loaf. Then, throw your CD player out the window.
-Read "The Bell Jar" and stick your head in an oven.
ACCEPTANCE:
-Watch the E! Network's "50 Top Chick Flicks" countdown, hosted by 30-and 40-something Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy. Like I'm doing right now.
-Eat a whole box of chocolates by yourself, including the gross cherry ones.
-Masturbate constantly.
-Get another cat, psycho.
-Be proactive and watch "Weird Science" - research the "Anthony Michael Hall Creates The Perfect Human Just In Time For Prom" method.
