When I downloaded iTunes onto my computer, I sold my soul to Apple.
For years, I had downloaded songs from Morpheus, Kazaa and LimeWire (or whichever P2P file-sharing program wasn't being prosecuted at the moment). It was fun and instant and, most importantly, it was cheap. But Apple was offering me safety, accurate tagging (none of this "01-By By By-Backstreet Boyz.mp3" business) and album art for less than a dollar.
Song by song, album by album, I became an addict - which was a problem I was probably prone to anyway, due to my impulsive personality. I'd look at my $50 e-bills, sigh, and think about how I'd explain this month's splurge to my father.
Three months after putting iTunes on my computer, I had probably paid for Steve Jobs' entire cancer treatment.
However, like a relationship that starts off all puppies-and-rainbows but, a year later, feels more like rattlesnakes-and-raindrops, I can now say - without calling myself a heathen - that iTunes can be an iPain.
This was a gradual realization that started the day I downloaded Prokofiev's Carnival of the Animals and noticed that iTunes had labeled the third movement "Hens and C**ks" with a red "explicit" label next to it.
The store has since removed the "explicit" label (obviously the iTunes honchos gave it a listen and were no longer horribly offended by the violin and trumpet). But they continue to mask the euphemism for "rooster" for apparently no reason at all other than the unwarranted paranoia that some child under the age of eight (searching for Prokofiev?) might get confused and ask his parents why iTunes is selling a song about Hens and Penises. Hilarity ensues; Prokofiev rolls over in his grave.
Strike two: what iTunes likes to call "iTunes Originals." These are albums, often acoustic, recorded exclusively for iTunes and infused with boring interview clips in which most of the artists say things they've already said in 10,000 other interviews. Should you, for whatever reason, want to download just the interview segments and not the music, you're out of luck. The interviews are "album only."
The artists never sing a bonus verse (like Simon and Garfunkel did during "The Boxer" at the famous Concert at Central Park) or break into 12 minute Iron Butterfly drum solos.
Fans fear that if they don't purchase their favorite artist's iTunes Originals, they are either not true fans or they are missing out on a milestone in the artist's career.
It's a shame that so many talented artists who have always seemed to remain unaffected (or at least put out an image of remaining unaffected) by the economic aspect of the music biz - Ben Folds, Death Cab for Cutie, Aimee Mann - have agreed to participate in such a blatant marketing gimmick. But then again, iTunes can make you do crazy things.
Strike three, iTunes is out: while it's cool that the iTunes Music Store sells TV shows, it's not cool that it ruins the endings of the episodes in each episode description, which is necessary to view if you're interested in downloading a particular episode instead of an entire season.
I, for example, didn't want to buy all 20 episodes of Season One of "Saved By the Bell," I only wanted a few. But the only way to determine which ones sounded interesting was to read their descriptions. Check out this description of an episode entitled "The Election:"
"When Zack discovers that the new student body president will win a trip to Washington D.C., he runs against Jessie solely to win the trip. After he wins, Zack feels guilty and resigns, handing the office to Jessie."
I'll concede that "Saved By the Bell" is no "24" when it comes to plot development. But that doesn't give iTunes the right to steal Bayside High's thunder.
I've saved my biggest tiff with iTunes for last: media previews. One would think that a 30-second preview of a song or TV show would be a good way of determining if the media were worth purchasing - and it is, but not the way iTunes does it.
Every preview of every episode of every show includes at least 20 seconds of the theme song, which, naturally, is exactly the same from episode to episode. This type of preview demonstrates that the file works properly, but it doesn't serve its purpose.
I'd like to download a 30-second clip of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101" starring Jamie-Lynn Spears so I could make fun of it, but iTunes only provides the nauseating 29-second theme song and one second of MiniBrit opening her mouth to speak.
Similarly, iTunes likes to play applause during clips of live tracks rather than a guitar solo, dialogue during Broadway tracks rather than belting, and unfamiliar bridges during pop songs rather than the catchy hooks. Don't they realize that this ploy makes a popular song like "Dirty Little Secret" unrecognizable to someone who heard it on the radio and wanted to download it when she got home?
When used as a music-organizing program, iTunes is marvelous. But after a year of buying from its music store, I think I'd rather buy my music from a drug dealer.
Unfortunately, iTunes corners the market on online media stores just as Apple dominates the MP3 player market. Other online music stores exist, like Rhapsody, now-legal Napster and the upcoming MTV-Microsoft store, to name a few. But they are so unpublicized and inaccessible (most stores either require a monthly subscription or only allow their songs to be downloaded to non-iPod MP3 players) that they might as well go out of business. The only comparable legal competitor I've found is www.mp3search.ru, which has a smaller selection than iTunes (artists tend to be either extremely popular or extremely obscure without anything in between) but sells its songs for a dime and full albums for $1.08.
And come on, if nothing else, can they please stop putting a lowercase "i" in front of everything?
I'll concede that Saved By the Bell is no 24 when it comes to plot development. But that doesn't give iTunes the right to steal Bayside High's thunder.
