Over coffee the other day, a friend of mine asked if I was aware of all the studies that have been done about the health benefits of sex. Of course I was, I answered, but began to wonder: why do we need someone to prove the benefits of sex to us?
I certainly knew before I was told by fancy statistics. Just ask anyone who has ever had good sex how they feel afterwards. Weightless, completely exhausted but at the same time rejuvenated and revved, relaxed, satisfied yet hungry for more. Our bodies respond to the complete release that comes with genuine sexual pleasure.
And yet, one look at any number of magazine covers tells us that people aren't satisfied nearly enough with their sex lives. Headlines like "100 Tricks to Better Sex," "How to Have it Hotter Tonight," and "Steam up Your Sex Life" are a pretty good indicator that readers (aka average Americans) are desperate for ways to attain "mind-blowing" sex.
A little exercise: Pleasure. 1) The state or feeling of being pleased or gratified. 2) A source of enjoyment or delight. 3) Amusement, diversion, or worldly enjoyment. 4) Sensual gratification or indulgence. 5) One's preference or wish, i.e., "What is your pleasure?"
If I'm not mistaken, these definitions make up a perfect description of good sex - that is to say, pleasurable sex. This is NOT, however, a description of shy, inhibited, "vanilla" sex. And yet, quite often, people who are sexually active with others (those who have learned to get it on themselves generally know what they're after and don't stop until they succeed) are not having the kind of sex that fits the above definitions.
The culprits: nervousness, anxiety, stress and worry. Let's say you're in bed (or elsewhere) with a partner, everything seems to be going well. Then you get to the point where you begin to engage in sex (oral, penetrative, or otherwise). You begin to worry about how you're performing, about how you smell, look, or taste. You get anxious that things aren't going "perfectly" (whatever that means) and that you, your partner, or both of you, won't be satisfied.
Stop! Think about how ludicrous this is. Sex is so much more than reaching orgasm. I mean, yes, often climax is the ultimate goal. But foreplay, eye contact, spoken word, touch, kiss, visual stimulation... there's so much going on during sex that concentrating on the mechanics and technicalities of the act means you block out everything else that's so erotic, so attractive, and so pleasurable.
People who have "mind-blowing" sex know that sex is a break from reality. Great sex clears your head, allows you a rest from the chaos of everyday life, blows your mind away temporarily. If you're consciously contemplating what's going on, you aren't receptive to all the sensations of sexual encounters. Sex means taking time off from planning, organizing, and striving for perfection (I find this reminder especially important at a time in life, a.k.a. college, midterms, finding housing, etc. when our stress levels are high).
Imagine trying to win a baseball game with only a batter. You're trying so hard to hit the ball out of the park, but without the other players on the field to pitch, field the ball, run the bases, etc., what does it matter? The only way to win big is to let all the elements of the game play their role. Relaxing and letting go of inhibitions, letting go of any shame of your body (that includes physique and smell, taste, facial expressions, etc.), and allowing your senses to receive the various stimuli inherent with sex is the only way to make room for pleasure.
If you ask a woman who has been having trouble getting off (I concentrated on women because it's often harder for them to orgasm than men) what they're thinking about during sex, chances are they can tell you. That's no good. Sex is a fully engaging physical act. Our minds aren't capable of giving in to pleasure and planning out what move to make next or remembering to hold in our stomachs, moan, touch a certain place, etc., all at the same time. The human body is a very wise organism, and does a pretty good job of adjusting and seeking (that can include asking) what it needs to feel good, but only if you let it. You have to make yourself completely vulnerable to sex, give in to it, indulge in it.
My yoga teacher recently told our class about a book on happiness. The author of this particular book said that happiness is the result of being completely engrossed in an activity. Sex can absolutely lead to happiness, but only if we wholly (physically and mentally) accept all the little idiosyncrasies and wonders that come along with "the act" itself. If we're voluntarily engaging in sexual activity, it's because we want to see, touch, taste, smell and hear. We want to watch the changes in our partners' faces and bodies in reaction to pleasure, discomfort, excitement, climax, and release. You've got to let go. You've got to take a deep breath (well, keep that up throughout) and step up to the plate; no worries, all the players know their positions, you've just got to let them play.
Sara Franklin is a sophomore majoring in history. She can be reached via e-mail at sara.franklin@tufts.edu
