I figured we could all use a little sick and depraved humor before exam period. So, allow me to serenade you with the following story...
Last Sunday I was pretty bored, so I decided to pop in a porno. I watch tons of porn, mostly because I have a hard time getting laid, but also because the women featured in porn are far more attractive than they are at Tufts. In any case, my roommate was busy for the entire afternoon at church helping his priest molest the best-looking alter boy, so I had the room all to myself. The stars had aligned for me, and I would be goddamned if I ignored them.
Later that day, seemingly inspired by the day's events, I imagined a wondrous idea. I decided that all women should be required to look like porn stars. I know this may sound somewhat sexist or silly, but it's not. I really think that women would be happier with extremely toned bodies, enormous breasts, fake tans and platinum blonde hair. It makes sense to me.
Let me be clear. I am not offering this idea as a hypothetical. Indeed, I actually think the United States government, in the interest of national security, of course, should implement this program to help women help themselves look like porn stars. It wouldn't be that difficult, either. As a matter of fact, I have a plan that could easily be put into action.
My plan, appropriately called "Convert or Die," is not that complicated. It consists only of a few simple stages, which I will now outline. The first stage is comprised only of a psychological evaluation. Women, 15 to 25, will be asked whether they wish to transform into porn stars. If they say "yes," then they will rightfully move on to the next stage and begin their descent into perpetual bliss. If the women say "no" to transformation, then they will be immediately deemed insane and incompetent. They will subsequently be charged with conspiracy to commit treason and sedition. They will then be subject to the mandatory sentence of public execution by firing squad. These women would, of course, be able to choose the location of their execution. After all, we do live in free country.
After eliminating the aforementioned women, stage two would then go into action. Every woman would be given three months to get into "proper shape." Proper shape will be determined on an individual basis by the Office of Body Security, the new government bureaucracy created to handle "Convert or Die" and other pertinent matters. If women fail to meet the specified body index requirements by the end of the three-month period, then they will be taken into custody, and relocated to more appropriate facilities where they will be given the proper assistance to deal with their weight issues.
The aforementioned facility would basically be a gigantic indoor housing complex which would be comprised of hundreds of individual steel cages. Each cage would be equipped with a cot, a treadmill and a Bowflex machine. (Bowflex is sponsoring this initiative). The women would remain in these facilities until they have reached their respective fitness goals. Food would be served on an individual basis, and the women would not be allowed out of their cages at any time. With this program, cheating just wouldn't be a problem for the women, as they wouldn't have access to any food that isn't directly given to them.
I acknowledge that some women simply don't possess the natural genetic attributes to look like porn stars. Stage three has been designed to deal with this problem. Stage three will entail mandatory plastic surgery to help women right the wrongs that God has done to them. "A" cups and crooked noses simply won't be a problem anymore with the miracle that is plastic surgery.
With any major agreement or program comes the need for an enforcement mechanism. What happens if women try to sneak a Snickers bar or piece of white bread after their transformation? What happens if they try to get their hands on anything but water or diet soda? Obviously, this would be a huge problem and couldn't possibly be tolerated. That is why after completing their transformation, every woman would be required to weigh in on a weekly basis at her local Body Security Center. If the women, for whatever reason, other than pregnancy, fail to remain in optimum condition they will immediately be sent back to the cage.
Do you think Ben is a terrible person/writer? Are you disgusted by his arrogance? Would you like to silence him? If so, he can be reached at benjamin.bell@tufts.edu
