For those of you who are freshmen from out-of-state, let us explain something to you: You chose correctly in coming to a college in Boston, because here in Massachusetts, we get an extra arbitrary three-day weekend. Called "Patriots' Day," the holiday is nominally some kind of America-love occasion. Massachusetts natives know, however, that our day off is really so that people can run 26.2 miles through our fair city. While we at Arts respect the gumption required to participate in the Boston Marathon, we have to admit that when it comes to this mega-race, we're more likely to pull a Rosie Ruiz and T it in than go the literal distance. Since we're in awe of Heartbreak Hill, here are 10 more places we wouldn't want to run.
So far awayWe want to meet a girl like you as much as the next department, but if following A Flock of Seagulls' lead means exerting ourselves, we're going to have to employ alternate means of new wave transportation. Like The Cars.
5,000 milesThe Proclaimers get it: We wouldn't run 5,000 miles, but we'd walk it. And then we'd walk 5,000 more.
Into Scarlett Johansson's arms We don't care how great you thought she was opposite Bill Murray. She bugs the hell out of us. It probably has something to do with her unnaturally deep voice, which directors think translates to sexiness. They're wrong. Also, she's younger than most of us, which just makes us bitter about our own level of non-celebrity.
For president of the UkraineUkrainian president Viktor Yuschenko (whom we affectionately call "lumpy face") learned this the hard way, komrad. Run away to avoid this presidential race - and make sure to have the poison control center's number on hand.
In placeSeriously guys, the Running Man is out. White boys who think they're being funny, take note. If you really want to impress us with retro moves, turn that Running Man around and try the Roger Rabbit. (Note: "in place" also applies to gym treadmills - go get some fresh air, you nerd!)
Somewhere with rootsBut be careful and look for level ground! We love rustic New England, but we're not a coordinated bunch. Protruding roots mean tripping, which means falling into gravel/mulch, which means skinned knees, which means heartache.
To buy Guster Spring Fling tickets...because they're not on sale yet. And you don't really "buy" them anyway, right?
-DMC.We've heard that it's tricky to rock a rhyme that's right on time, and frankly, we're not that ambitious. Interestingly, these guys, like A Flock of Seagulls and the Proclaimers, offer us an alternative to breaking a sweat. But we don't really want to walk that way either, especially if it means teaming up with Aerosmith to break through a wall.
Forrest, run!That tramp Jenny can't tell us what to do.
-On sentencesEven though the Arts department supports creativity more than the average department, we're still part of a newspaper. Grammar rules were NOT made to be broken, and let's face it: Comma splices are for losers. Being "original" with your punctuation is just not allowed, unless you're ee cummings. And you're not ee cummings, are you?
