All I have to say is: Brazilians are bitches. I don't mean the impossibly gorgeous women that model underwear for Victoria's Secret; I'm talking about the excruciatingly painful hair removal process where steaming hot wax is spread dangerously near your vagina and then ruthlessly ripped off by a woman whose last name you don't even know.
Ever since middle school, I've noticed that we girls are expected to groom our nether regions if we want any action below the belt. I don't think I'm alone when I say that I grew up with the impression that "hair down there" was a bad thing to have.
I considered waxing after high school years full of awkward shaving "down there" moments. So I innocently thought waxing "down there" was the better road to take. Ha.
The first time I was subject to this modern form of self-torture was during preparation for spring break my senior year. For some reason, my friend and I both thought it would be a good idea to get Brazilians while we were in New York City before my trip to Puerto Rico.
Not only was it extremely overpriced (like everything else in New York), it killed. I left the spa angry that I had just paid $75 for a lady who didn't speak English to rip out my pubic hair while I laid on a hospital exam room-like bed completely exposed and embarrassed. For all that work, the hair should be removed forever - with a lifetime guarantee. When she asked if I wanted my butt waxed too, I snatched up my clothes and ran.
After all the energy and cash I've put into my bikini area, I have to question why "boyzilians" aren't more popular. Men think Brazilians are sexy. I think "boyzilians" are only fair. Why shouldn't guys be expected to wax?
If anything, women shouldn't be made to have to bushwhack our way through a jungle just to please a man. It should be thought of as common courtesy. And since guys are usually hairier than girls, shouldn't they need more grooming? It's actually a plus for the guy if you think about it: saves us the trouble of having to search for your prized possession, and we can all get the job done more efficiently.
If men and women are to be truly equal in the dating game, then the demand for a clean playground should go both ways. Recently, it seems that both men and women are catching on. Many of the more upscale spas and salons offer "boyzilians" alongside their female counterparts.
Maybe this could be the start of a trend. Just like how women will buy themselves lingerie as presents for their partners, maybe men will start treating themselves to a little deforestation for us women. Wishful thinking? It might not be so outrageous, because last time I checked, back and chest waxing are already old news. The waxing frontier might just be expanding to the south.
As much as it seems like I'm campaigning for bald genitalia for the entire human race, I am aware that people have different preferences. If the free-spirit, all-natural way of life is your choice, cheers, my friend. Enjoy it.
I also understand that deciding to go completely bald in your most sensitive area is frightening. I still get jitters when I'm sitting in the waiting room. For men, waxing your family jewels is probably last on the list of things you want to do next to vasectomies. I don't honestly expect all men and women to spend money inflicting pain on themselves. A completely naked penis would probably look strange anyways.
But as general common courtesy, we should at least seriously consider trimming. Boys, pigsty dorm rooms aren't going to turn girls on, so don't expect your Amazon rainforest to get you laid.
For those of you who have yet to brave the Brazilian (or the boyzilian), it's really not as bad after the first time. A little tip: hard wax actually hurts less, and you don't have to deal with the uncomfortable stickiness afterwards. If that's not convincing enough, rumor has it that sex actually feels better with a Brazilian. (Or a boyzilian!)
