Do you find that your awkwardness extends beyond simple interactions with acquaintances, friends, and family but can often offend people who you don't even know?
If this is the case, you might suffer from AWS: Awkwardness with Strangers. As a proud member of a local AWS chapter, I thought I would share some moments that might make you cringe, squirm, or at least laugh at me. Let's go three for three, O.K.?
I am not really environmentally conscious, to the point that if Al Gore saw me on the street he would probably punch me in the teeth. Occasionally, I will open doors with the handicapped button if it is an available option. Once, after working out at the gym, I was heading over to the Campus Center and used the automatic door, completely unnecessarily. And as the door shut I noticed a guy struggling with crutches hopping on one leg who proceeded to grab the handle and pull it open with full force. The limper saw me watching him, saw how I got in, and when he walked past me, he just kind of shook his head in disgust a little bit. And I thought, "Good thing he doesn't know where I'm parked."
Girls' attire really confuses me. They wear pants with "Juicy" written on their ass or "For your eyes only" scrawled across their breasts, but without fail, they always become offended when they find me inadvertently staring. Listen, ladies, I am a very literate guy. I crave words like you crave a night of "Gilmore Girls" and pink martinis. You cannot blame me for wanting to expand my knowledge of the complex syntax and diction our fine language has to offer. And another thing, if I'm going to be reading your ass or your chest, maybe you could start putting some real thoughtful messages on there. Like, "The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one." At least then, we would all be learning something.
AWS is being waved at by someone you don't know, waving back, and then watching them give a great big hug to the guy walking behind you.
You could file this one under AWS: it's called the "reintroduction." There will be many instances during your college career in which you will meet the same people over and over again. You know that you have met this person, they know you have met them before, but for whatever reason there exists a shadow of a doubt in each of your minds. You think, "Maybe she doesn't remember me." Most often, you will pretend to be hearing this stranger's name for the first time. Occasionally, however, you will use the ballsy, "I think we've met before." A word of advice: do not pull out this line when you are at the person's birthday party. It was pretty obvious that you know who they are when you brought a gift.
AWS is forgetting to take your Claritin pill during allergy season and winking uncontrollably at the girl sitting across from you on the subway.
I was out to dinner at Bartley's in Harvard Square with a friend recently when the place was really crowded. We got our own table but were seated literally one foot away from another table with two middle aged men. Although it was cramped, dinner was fine until the men started to openly discuss how they were each having extra-marital affairs with younger women. My friend and I exchanged astonished glances, thinking that we could not possibly be hearing this conversation. We finished our meal and when one of the guys caught my eye while we were paying the check, I just gave him a forced smile and said, "Don't worry. I don't know your wife."
AWS is asking a guy who is talking loudly to himself on a New York City street if he is practicing lines for a Broadway show, only to watch him turn his head and reveal a Bluetooth cellular device on his left ear.
Last week, I was alone on an elevator whistling Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" to myself, when all of a sudden the doors opened on the fifth floor of the building and two guys in suits walked in and pressed the button for their floor. Feeling like I had been caught in the act, I tried to make a smooth transition into whistling something else, and so I went with the first tune that came to mind. The song was "Whistle While You Work." For a few seconds I thought I had gotten off easy without embarrassing myself, and then I remembered that I was standing in an elevator with two other guys while whistling the Dwarves' theme from "Snow White." I should have stuck with Shakira.
Neil Padover is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached neil.padover@tufts.edu.
