I'm starting a fight club. And with all due respect to Tyler Durden, mine is going to be infinitely better than his. Have you ever seen two athletes have beef on the playing field and wanted to see them settle it in the ring? This is the place. Here's our bill for the next few weeks:
Derek Jeter vs. Alex Rodriguez: The battle for prettiest Yankee will finally be settled. The A-Rod-Jeter soap opera has been going on long enough. First A-Rod called Jeter a "two-hitter," and then Jeter, captain of the Yankees, failed to defend A-Rod in the press. It's clear that the left side of the Yankees' infield isn't big enough for both of them. Put your money on Jeter though - A-Rod's slaps won't do much good when he's fighting someone over 140 pounds (sorry, Bronson Arroyo).
Bobby Bowden vs. Joe Paterno: The two of them, the two longest-tenured coaches in Div. I football, have coached for a combined 70 years, won four national titles, and captured 14 conference championships. Last year Paterno's Nittany Lions defeated Bowden's Seminoles on the football field. The fight would go somewhat differently.
JoePa's tough; fans have been calling for his resignation for years. But just about the time JoePa would be about to knock out Bowden, ole Bobby would tap out and his son (and chosen successor as FSU head coach) Jeff would come in the ring. JoePa wouldn't stand a chance.
David Ortiz vs. Ryan Howard: They're both gargantuan lefties that led their respective leagues in home runs. Need I say more?
Barry Bonds vs. Jeff Kent: Remember their little dugout tiff? I do - and I've been salivating over the rematch ever since. Bonds' knees are in a lot worse shape since the last time these two locked horns, and Kent might just surprise you.
David Eckstein vs. Rudy Ruettiger: Real-life "small man makes it big" inspirational story versus the movie version. Rudy takes the cake; he played football.
Barry Bonds vs. Gary Sheffield: They're the two scariest and meanest men in professional baseball. Since I don't think either of them has enough of a soul to be capable of dying, this one might take a while.
Latrell Sprewell vs. Ron Artest: The former craziest man in the NBA versus the current one. I have to say, this outcome is tough to predict. While Spree once implied that he couldn't feed his family on $7 million a year, Artest threatened to kill Bonzi Wells in 2006 if he didn't re-sign with the Sacramento Kings. While Spree choked former coach P.J. Carlesimo in 1997, Artest instigated the most famous brawl in NBA history, which got him a year-long suspension in 2004.
I have to say, this fight completely befuddles me. Both men could easily be described as certifiably insane, so this one could go either way.
Terrell Owens vs. the winner of Spree/Artest: Spree/Artest gets the privilege of challenging Terrell Owens for the right to be the craziest man in sports.
Peyton Manning vs. Ryan Leaf: It's redemption time for Ryan Leaf. He's angry, he's immature ... and he'll do anything to prove that he's better than Peyton. Anything.
Remember, these are just my personal favorites. If you have a fight you'd like to see, then come on down and check it out. But remember - if it's your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.
Will Herberich is a freshman. He can be reached at William.Herberich@tufts.edu.
