Dear SOS,
Although I have been at college for nearly three months now, I still feel like a wee high schooler with this random meal plan, roommate and dorm room. I know establishing a sense of independence and maturity takes a while, but I just want to go home for winter break feeling slightly collegiate!
How can I maximize my college ways so I feel like I can truly fit in with the stereotypical lifestyle? Help me, SOS, so that, come winter break, I can use my student ID to go see an R-rated movie at my local cinaplex and NOT be mistaken in my college sweatshirt for some Tufts student's chubby little brother!
Sincerely,Craving College Cred
Dear Craving College Cred,
Trust me: In three weeks, once you get out of the college bubble, I think you will realize just how collegiate you've really become.
However, if you are still feeling self-conscious after looking at all of your friends' F-book pictures of them and 17 friends with hardcore, school-colored body paint at super-crowded football games, you have three weeks to get your act together to the point where you may actually have a chance at the annual beer pong/Beirut tournament this winter break!
Here are some unbeatable ways to ensure your college student status:
1. Grow your hair out. Even though there are probably seven-plus hair salons within a half-mile radius of Tufts, getting a haircut in college is just sooooo pass?©, because: a) you're too lazy, and b) they probably won't get it right. P.S.: This is a complete fallacy; it's just another excuse you came up with so that you won't have to pay the paltry $10 at the place in Davis Square. Except if you have highlights; then I would understand completely. But you insinuated that you are of the male species, so that would just be weird.
2. Wait at least four days between each shave. The scruffy, grown-in appearance just screams, "I-rolled-straight-out-of-bed-this-morning-and-had-enough-time-to-eat-egg-whites-in-Dewick-while-reading-The-New York Times-but-definitely-not-enough-time-to-shave." And to the girls, despite having been called a vegetarian-California-hippie thrice thus far, I do not condone any leg-shaving boycotts. During the week, when it's cold and you are wearing jeans, I understand letting a few days slide, but if it gets past the stubble territory and moves onto a more-than-waxable length, it can become totally gnarly (and not in the California surfer slang way - in a "so NOT tubular" way).
3. Wear a backpack at all times. Your shadow should perpetually emulate that of the hunchback of Notre Dame. Northfaces are preferable, especially ones with those cool little rape whistles attached to the frontal chest strap (which should never be buttoned, except when you are rock climbing, in which case you should be wearing a harness and not just a backpack that sort of looks like one).
4. Gain nine pounds, and then put on an oversized Tufts sweatshirt to compensate for those missing stereotypical six other pounds. As a side note, please choose to wear a sweatshirt with the old "TUFTS" lettering. I really take issue with the new lowercase font: It is unnecessarily casual, as if you were mentioning your school as a mere afterthought of a conversation. For example, if your Great Aunt Milda asked you what you've been doing for the past three months, and you were wearing one of the new "tufts" sweatshirts, you would respond with: "Well I've been living in Somerville, I have all my meals cooked for me, I stay up late and I spend multiple hours on YouTube.com. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I've been at tufts." But if you were wearing the good sweatshirt, the dialogue with Milda would advance as follows: "I HAVE BEEN AT TUFTS, WHICH IS AN ENRICHING AND TITILLATING ACADEMIC ENVIRONMENT. I LOVE IT." And then Milda would proceed to gaze at you, the superb collegiate nephew, with unremitting pride and approval.
5. Come back home being skilled in one of the following three sports: Frisbee (if you come across one back home, try to showcase your skills on a grassy knoll with one of the 747,234 neon free Frisbees you obtained during orientation week), Super Mario Kart (blisters and open wounds from excessive controller-use always make for more credibility), or Assassins (you should have developed a keen ability to aim a sock at an opponent).
If you return home after fulfilling at least three of the five aforementioned tips, you should be golden. But if for some horrible reason you forgot to complete any of the steps and you find yourself in a time crunch right before winter break, all you need is your emergency collegiate-aid kit: a re-issued DVD of "Animal House" to watch on your Dell Laptop (Dude, you got a Dell!), a brown-and-blue key strap necklace with an assortment of fobs and IDs, and, as a last resort, one of those shirts from Hollister that says "COLLEGE" across the front, just to get the point across.
Contact Charlotte to get advice for all your problems at Charlotte.Steinway@tufts.edu.
