In my four years in college, I'd have to say the worst thing I've had to deal with, other than homework or the guy who screams at you in a made-up language outside the Broken Yolk, is the lack of quality shows on daytime television. Trying to find a good show from about 12 p.m. to 5 p.m. is like searching through your pants' pockets in the hopes of finding a crisp $100 bill after a bachelor party.
To make matters worse, Bob Barker, the beloved host of "The Price Is Right," has decided to hang up his microphone, effectively ending the one consistently entertaining show on TV. Now I'm stuck with sappy soap operas, '80s sitcom re-runs and Judge Judy. I'd rather have a root canal than watch one of these in its entirety. But that doesn't mean there aren't hidden gems.
Why, just the other day I was channel-surfing and came upon "Most Amazing Videos" on Spike TV, allowing me to bear witness to a hot air balloon collision with an electrical tower and the ridiculous irony that went along with it: The balloon was made to look like Smoky the Bear, and the collision caused a fire over a wooded area. I can't wait for their next installment, which will probably be along the lines of "When Ferocious Animals Attack Groins and Defenseless Toddlers, Part IV."
More importantly, last week, I accidentally stumbled across some stand-up comedy by Jeff Foxworthy, who gave me my idea for this very article. He is famous for redneck jokes that start with, "You know you're a redneck if ..." and makes funny stabs at stereotypes (and some truths) about certain hick-ish people from the South in regards to incest, tobacco usage or trailer parks.
So, in honor of Foxworthy's excellent idea to exploit the stereotypes of his own people, I've decided to write some stand-up comedy of my own, only instead of rednecks, I'm using my beloved townie persona as the brunt of the jokes.
You know you're a townie if you've gotten in at least three physical altercations about the Red Sox, with at least one of the fights ending in an attempted murder plea.
You know you're a townie when you ask for the time, and if someone says it's five to 10, you forget about your question and immediately think of a prior assault and battery charge.
You know you're a townie if Busch Light Bottles and the drinking game "Edward 40-Hands" (for rules about this drinking game, check Wikipedia.com - I can't believe it's actually on there; this literally made my week) means you're drinking classy for that night.
You know you're a townie if you get upset at a restaurant when a waitress asks if you want some more Coke.
You know you're a townie if you have any one of the following fashion statements: blowout haircut, orange skin due to fake-baking in a tanning booth (this one's for guys only), regularly sport sleeveless shirts, wear anything made by Starter or Kangol, have a tattoo of your name/nickname in plain view or think Polo Sport Cologne is Ron Burgundy's equivalent of Sex Panther.
You know you're a townie if the title of Ultimate Fighter is an achievable goal for you.
You know you're a townie when, at Spring Fling, your buddy screamed, "Rock and Roll," you take him literally and decide to smoke crack and throw yourself down the hill on President's Lawn.
You know you're a townie if the only numbers in the phonebook that mean something to you are 617, 781, 508 and 911.
You know you're a townie if you're proficient in writing your full, legal name on a wall with a steady stream of urine in perfect cursive. Talk about a new meaning for the phrase giving your John Hancock. (I'm childish.)
You know you're a townie if, when driving, you take red lights as suggestions or go the wrong way down one-way streets claiming "Well, I'm only going one way."
You know you're a townie if you're watching the show "America's Most Wanted" and at one point say something like, "He's a good egg," or when watching "Cops," you proudly boast, "I got away this episode."
You know you're a townie if you stayed in Medford to go to college at Tufts, and then proceeded to write a column about it called the "Daily Townie," and you're also extremely attractive and borderline amazing ... then, yes, you most definitely are a townie.
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at peter.mckeown@tufts.edu.
