Today's column is dedicated to sex (surprise!), but not just any sex. There are thousands of books, audio tapes, videos - even Internet books - created out there to teach us how to be unforgettable lovers. Why? Because everyone wants to be an unforgettable lover - stupid question.
Now, this may seem new and unusual, but have you ever thought of things the other way around? What if there was a book or movie ... or column ... dedicated to being unforgettably bad in bed?
This might not seem useful at first, but there could be many reasons why it would be handy to know how to enforce bad sex. For starters, it's useful if the person in your bed is not welcome for a second visit. It could also be great revenge if your significant other has been behaving badly. But if your goal is not to scare your partner out of bed with your lack of skill, for whatever obscure personal reason, it would at least be amusing.
I do admit that, as amused as I am with the bad sex tactics that follow, a lack of sex skills is probably not an enviable thing. But understanding what makes someone undesirable is smart. How about this: Take all of what I'm about to tell you, and think of it as what not to do to be unforgettably good - or at least, unforgettably normal and not strange.
Be warned: bad sex is not a joke and should not be used in harming someone. Its powers are far greater than we know, and should only be handled selectively. It could just come back to bite you in the butt. Speaking of which, biting of the buttocks could be considered very bad sex.
Much needs to happen for things to go sour. Being unromantic and sexy as your grandma's dentures is a challenging task.
What happens outside of the bedroom is like a window into where the magic happens and insight into just how magical it will be. Whether your special friend is a new acquaintance or a long-term carnal connection, catcalling can always make him or her question your credibility.
I don't mean demeaning and rude catcalling, because that is sexual harassment and will get you beat up or arrested. I'm talking about words you haven't heard for decades - or ever. Pumpkin-strudel, honey buns, [insert name]-bear, bunny-muffins, or any other obscure food item that doesn't really exist.
If this doesn't send them hurling, then they must have a very high tolerance for bad sex - or they're extremely desperate.
Once you're in the sack with your beloved poopsie-kins, there's more room to play. One thing that always makes things awkward is socks. Socks and nothing else.
For some reason, I keep hearing about and noticing socks in bed. Just imagine a couple in bed with socks on; whether it's one, two, or all four feet covered in socks, it's an awkward image and shouldn't happen unless bad sex is being willfully administered.
You can try lying perfectly still and making no noise. If you really want to cool things down, you can close your eyes and pretend you've fallen asleep. Now who's bad in bed? Unless your aficionado has a sketchy obsession with inanimate objects or is a necrophiliac (oh dear God), then surely you will be marked as a terribly un-enjoyable and awkward sex partner. Not giving any feedback while in the act can be a good way to creep someone out.
On the other hand, the bunny sex is one thing you studs out there can do to really un-impress the ladies. That's right, act like a bunny and just pound away. Surely if the banging her head again the wall doesn't make her punch you or suffer a concussion herself, your "minute man" stamina will unquestionably leave her wanting no more.
As you can gather, there are endless things you can do to create awkward and unpleasant situations for whatever reason or occasion. It's up to you how you hone your powers as a dreadful bedroom buddy.
Do beware, though: Using your abilities for bad sex (no matter how bad) can get you in trouble. For example, your last rendezvous might be so horrified that she just has to tell all her friends about your odd mooing fetish.
If bad sex entertains you as much as it has me, here's a whole bunch of some awfully un-magical sex (and writing): "Bad Sex in Fiction Award" in The Guardian, a British publication. God, I love the British. (Just Google "bad sex in fiction award.")
