The holiday season is quickly approaching, and there is no greater American way of kicking things off than with Thanksgiving, food, more food and family. But a lot of family doesn't have to mean a sexless Thanksgiving. In fact, all the food will probably help put you in the mood.
It's old news that scent is linked to arousal, but recent studies found that pumpkin pie may have something to do with sexual arousal in both men and women (just significantly higher in men). Another scent that may do the trick is cranberries. And what is it that we have on the Thanksgiving dinner table ... ?
Don't go and smother your face in pumpkin pie and pour cranberry sauce all over your naked body quite yet (unless you like that - then do what you want, and the rest of us will try not to judge).
After you're all hot and bothered over your mother's culinary skills, there comes the problem of where to find an outlet for all that hot and bothered-ness. The chances of you going to a drunken get-together on Thanksgiving may be high, but you will probably be related to half the party. Even if your cousin is looking steamy with your pumpkin pie goggles on, it's illegal and gross.
So what's a turned-on college student to do? If you have a significant other who is in his or her respective home for the holidays and not at your disposal, then you could try phone sex. If you're comfortable touching yourself and moaning into a receiver, then it's a perfectly workable way to stay connected during times apart.
It's important, however, to be on high alert during Thanksgiving, because there will be relatives staked out at every nook and cranny ready to catch you during your most private and embarrassing moments.
Perhaps you should wait 'til the uncles and aunts are drunk and tired and passed out ... and maybe even drooling. Having Uncle Jared walk into the guest bedroom to see you with your belt undone and one hand stuck down deep in your pants while you're making noises at the phone is not going to leave a good impression.
But what if you don't have someone on speed dial that you can call upon to help relieve all this holiday tension? Don't stress. There may still be someone out there, or next door. Some neighbor must have a son or daughter or grandchild who is coming home for a Thanksgiving reunion.
Having a neighborhood get-together? That's the perfect time to meet that special someone who you can sneak off with, but not for too long.
If your mother's been looking for you for hours (ironically, to have some of her pumpkin pie) and you come stumbling back all flushed, she may think you're an alcoholic or have a drug addiction. (Again, double-check to make sure that this attractive - hopefully - individual is not related to you in any way.)
Whether you are attached or alone this holiday, you could still stir up some tension at the extended dinner table. You could announce an engagement like every other normal, boring family, or you could attempt the proverbial "coming out" during Thanksgiving dinner, preferably if you are actually gay.
"Grandma, pass me the cranberry sauce? I'm gay." Or "Hey, look over here! A homosexual!" just as the man of the house begins to carve the turkey. A key point: This stunt may raise a bigger reaction if you family is Catholic, Mormon, Muslim, any other religious affiliation, Republican or Chinese. (Apparently Chinese people, as I've found with my own family, don't believe in gay people, or teenagers having sex.)
If you're alone and just need relief, porn probably is not the best idea. Unless it's on your computer and your computer is locked down and hidden away, don't bring porn into the scene. Relatives get old, and old people like to snoop. Unless you're dying to scandalize your 80-year-old grandmother and send her into cardiac arrest, leave your copy of "Big and Juicy" away from home, please.
Okay, perhaps lying to your family about your sexual orientation or getting caught having awkward phone sex (as if it isn't already awkward enough) by your distant and old relatives might not be such a good idea.
But don't worry. School reopens in just a few days. After you're fat and happy on turkey, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie, you may even be horny enough to be looking forward to dirty frat basements and sexiling roommates. Until then, Happy Thanksgiving!
