"Britney Spears, you just dumped the skeeziest man alive; what are you going to do next?" Believe it or not, pulling the "I'm going to Disney World!" gag would have been slightly less ridiculous than what Spears actually did: take a victory lap around the Rockefeller Center rink. But that is exactly what Spears did with longtime manager Larry Rudolph in tow after she filed Nov. 7 for divorce from notorious hubby Kevin Federline.
Brit, this isn't the 1980 Olympic Hockey Championship game, and you didn't defeat the Russians. While the bizarreness of her reaction to the divorce is mostly due to the childlike simplicity of Spears' vengeance (speaking of which, where are her children, anyway?), we suppose odder things have been done in the wake of ruptured nuptials. In this edition of Top Ten, the Arts Department raises its glass in a final toast to Mr. and Mrs. Trailer Park USA with a breakdown of the most outlandish cases of PTSD - post-termination stress disorder.
10) Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe - After seven years of marriage, the couple finally realized they couldn't shake the sick, twisted foundations of their relationship, grounded in their on-screen liaison in "Cruel Intentions" (1999). After all, Phillipe just wanted to get with her because she was the virginal daughter of the new headmaster and something of a challenge; before he knew it, he was tied down with two kids, Ava and Deacon. Rumor has it that, days after, Phillipe stormed city hall in retribution, demanding the change of his children's names to Jane and Bob.
9) Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro - When these two lovebirds split in July 2006, we were, obviously, shocked; after all, like Britney and K-Fed and Jessica and Nick, they had made their love into a TV series which we took more seriously than the rest. But records reflect an even more surprising happening: Just moments after Navarro and Electra legally separated, they both drowned their sorrows in Jameson -- only, for Navarro, it was the porn star, not the whiskey.
8) Paul McCartney and Heather Mills - In a development no one was expecting, Heather Mills recently alleged that Paul McCartney beat her after she complained about his drinking and drug use. After getting divorced, Sir Paul, to prove how much no one cares what she and her one leg have to say, recorded a song entitled, "I Beat My Wife While High." The Beatle's point was proven when the song went multi-platinum.
7) Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett - After their marriage in 1993, the couple, also known as Beauty and the Beast, lasted 21 months, parting ways in 1995. Word on the street is that after talking kitchenware and periodic pitchfork raids (not to mention his bald head and country music career), Roberts couldn't put up with it anymore. In a deep state of depression, Lyle Lovett raided the nearest CVS, stealing the complete stock of Rogaine, spurring an overgrowth of head as well as facial hair, landing himself in the hospital.
6) Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon - Poor Henry VIII objected to marrying his brother's widow Catherine of Aragon from the get-go, but her father, Ferdinand II, insisted. When it was clear Catherine could bear no male heirs, Henry said to hell with Catholicism, founded the Church of England and divorced Catherine faster than she could say "Dios mio" (more or less - bear with us, history majors). What most people don't know is that after Henry sent Catherine packing, he penned the original version of "I'm Henry VIII, I Am" and could be seen humming it and dancing merrily about the palace on a nightly basis.
5) Mario Lopez and Ali Landry - The most important thing to know about the marriage between A.C. Slater and The Hot Girl from the Doritos Ads is that it existed. B-rate celebrities have a way of finding each other in the not-as-cool clubs and events, which is further proof that there is someone for everyone. Ultimately though, no one, not even the muscle-bound Lopez, can resist the brainy allure of Jessica Spano; after divorce papers were signed, Lopez found himself obsessively watching "Showgirls" (1995) and writing "Nomi" all over his "Saved by the Bell" honorary school supplies.
4) Liz Taylor and Richard Burton -- Pick up any tabloid and you'll find two types of stories: celebrity marriage and celebrity addiction. In that light, it's easy to see why Taylor, married eight times, and Burton, married five times, were one of the most popular couples in Hollywood's history. So what did they do after they were divorced? Well, they got married again, but they really preferred to call it a "warm down."
3) Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke - This unthinkably good-looking marriage was doomed from the start. Not only did the actors meet on set of the wretched "Gattaca" (1997), but allegedly, Hawke proposed and was shot down twice before Thurman finally relented. Surprisingly, things didn't work out between Thurman and Hawke, and allegedly, the cause was Hawke's affair with a Canadian model. (Those exist, eh?) He was subsequently castrated with a Hattori Hanzo sword.
2) Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson - After 20 months of marriage, the Scientologist and alleged child molester decided it was better to "beat it" and go their separate ways. Of course, the one sticking point was how to divvy up their massive Ranch Xenu, a vacation home vastly superior to the infamous Neverland Ranch. But reports of fellow Scientologists Kirstie Alley in a thong bikini and John Travolta reenacting the final scene from "Look Who's Talking" (1989) demonstrate that Lisa Marie Presely's life is still a "thriller" - with or without Michael Jackson.
1) "Kramer vs. Kramer" (1979) - It's the classic American tale: Oppressed housewife busts out of her gilded cage to seek a life of her own, leaving a workaholic husband to care for their only son. Just as dad starts to get the hang of this whole parenting thing, mom brings dad and kid into court, launches a nasty custody battle and ultimately wins sole parental rights, presumably just to see if she can. But then she gives the kid back, because, let's face it: Those are the last things you actually want after you sign divorce papers.
- The Daily Arts Department
