There are a few staples of the male path to adulthood: the first Sox game, the cross-country road trip, the first beer, etc.
I'd like to add something to that list: the first 45-minute half FIFA World Cup video game.
I should preface this by saying that I am a shameless FIFA addict. My friend Brett and I play somewhere between one and three games a day. To us, a real-time FIFA game was a cathartic idea - an odyssey of sorts. We each went with our current favorite teams: Germany for me, England for Brett. The following is a drastically condensed, minute-by-minute account of a game that could only be described as "epic."
00:00: Like any conscientious athletes, we start by warming up. A little jumping around, a little stretching ... we're ready. Brett makes sure to hydrate. I have my Nalgene ready.
1:01: Brett gets the first shot of game, and he proclaims "I'm going for 100 shots on goal!"
9:42: At this point, I realize that we've been playing for what seems like an eternity, but in reality is just over a fifth of a single half of play.
20:30: As I get my umpteenth breakaway of the half, and miss (yet again), Brett screams like a 10-year old girl.
22:40: By now I've dropped my signature phrase ("What the f-?") three times. Brett has used his "Let's go!" a whopping total of five. Score line is 2-2.
23:50: The commentators inform us that "this is a crucial point in the game - this ball has to go in now." Brett responds with "oh, really?"
24:24: My goalie comes out for a save, and appears to get kicked in the, um ... crotchal region.
27:00: Brett's shot hits the post, bounces out for a perfect header, and it's now 4-2 in his favor. Commentators proclaim "this game is all but over." With 63 minutes left to play.
27:01: The first "water break." (Yes, Brett actually drinks some water.)
27:17: Brett: "Hoooooo! Hooooooo! I just nearly hit it into my own net!"
35:12: Brett scores again. "Let's go! Let's go!" (He's up to 10 now.) It's now 6-4 in his favor.
45:00: Halftime! I'm pretty sure my heart won't hold up for another half. Brett has taken 47 shots on goal, and we're only halfway through the game.
45:00: Commentators say, "This is not a game for the faint of heart." (Oddly, this makes sense for once.)
51:18: I'm desperately waiting for one of my guys to do something praise-worthy, so I can yell, "Ballllllllliiiinnnnnn!"
53:22: "Awesome clearance," Brett says to his defender as he shanks it straight into the air 10 yards. My player nails the goal. "Great clearance."
58:55: Brett: "IIIII don't even like it! Ahhh! That is the longest through-ball in the history of the world!" I score, making it 6-5 England. Ballllllllllinnnnnnnnnn!
62:04: Brett blows on his tired wrist (the gamer's equivalent to the "magic spray").
63:02: Brett begins to develop a British accent ("poohhhhhly executed" to a pass), probably because of the commentators.
66:30: Me: "I'm kind of on cruise control right now. I have no idea what's going on in the game." Brett: "Yeah, there's a lot of midfield play." Me: "No, I just don't know what's going on." I must be getting loopy.
77:04: The score is now 7-5.
77:09: Precisely five seconds later, Brett scores. Christ. Some obscenities are screamed.
78:30: Commentators: "Can he make that pass?" Me: "Yes."
80:40: Commentators: "He has to try at that!" Me: "I am trying!" (At this point in the game I've taken to shouting back at the commentators to vent my frustration).
82:34: Brett uses Michael Owen to score (again). It's now 13-7 England, and Michael Owen has six goals. Brett begins to wonder why Michael Owen isn't a star in real life.
83:21: Brett gets a breakaway shot that the keeper saves. Welcome to my world, Brett.
85:59: Brett slides a beauty of a through ball to Wayne Rooney. For once, the commentators don't make that obnoxious, "Rooney!" call. I do, though, and begin to think that I've been playing this game just a bit too much.
89:02: I score my final goal - the last goal of the game. 13-8, England.
If my life were an episode of "Scrubs," and at the end of each show I were required to come up with a "here's what I've learned" interior monologue, this episode's would go like this: If you play FIFA on a regular basis, play a 90-minute game! It was exhausting, demoralizing, juvenile and incredibly fun.
Thanks to my roommate, also named Will, for taking such copious notes during this epic battle. I wish more than anything that we could publish all 2,000 words that he wrote during the game, but a lot was basically unprintable (mine and Brett's fault, not his).
Will Herberich is a freshman. He can be reached at William.Herberich@tufts.edu.
