It's been a beautiful weekend.
The Red Sox have beaten the Yankees twice (hopefully three times by the time this column runs), so I should be totally content with the universe, right?
Wrong. I'm greedy.
I've explained to many Yankee fans that although I may profess to hate them, they make my life that much more fun. Without the rivalry, the Red Sox would be just another team.
But since 2004, columnists around the country have been souring on the greatest rivalry in sports. Fans outside of New England and New York have grown sick of the media cramming 19 Sox-Yankees games per season down their throats.
I guess I can't blame them. But I have a few ideas on how to improve the rivalry, so without further ado, here they are:
1. Make Jose Guillen a Yankee. For those of you who missed the drama earlier this month (or the past few seasons), there's really only one thing you need to understand here: Jose Guillen is insane. He's the Ron Artest of Major League Baseball. Guillen also happens to be feuding with Red Sox reliever Brendan Donnelly. Apparently they've disliked each other since they played together with the Angels.
Back in the '70s, Red Sox and Yankees players truly hated each other. Now, we've got Manny having dinner with Enrique Wilson while he's supposed to be playing a game. If the Yanks acquired Guillen, I guarantee at least two bench-clearing brawls before the All-Star break. And who doesn't love those?
2. Warring columnists. The Boston and New York media are as much a part of their teams as any of the players are, so why not have them feud as well? I propose that each city unite behind its most objectionable columnist - say, Murray Chass in New York and Dan Shaughnessy in Boston. The war of words between the two would benefit the Sox, because in disagreeing with Chass, Shaughnessy wouldn't be able to criticize his home team (yes, this is basically just a plan to get Dan to stop writing scathing columns about the team I love).
3. Find a way to sneak "Dirty Water" onto the sound system at Yankee Stadium after a loss. I don't know if this would actually do much for the rivalry, but I'd love to see Yankee fans' reactions. I guess it would make them hate us more.
4. Promote a "Vince McMahon vs. Donald Trump" style fight between John Henry and George Steinbrenner. In case you missed this, Trump and McMahon staged a feud and picked a WWE wrestler to represent them in the ring. The loser had to shave his head. McMahon lost (honestly, did you really think The Donald would shave off his trademark comb-over?), and it was highly entertaining to watch Trump shave McMahon's head after the match.
I foresee a Henry-Steinbrenner match going something like this: Henry would do boatloads of research in the weeks leading up to the event, finding out exactly who he should pick based on who Steinbrenner chooses. Big Stein would pick one guy, change his mind, pick another, change his mind, and ultimately end up choosing some over-the-hill wrestler for whom he has to overpay.
5. Better yet: Have them each pick a player from their respective teams to represent them. If you're Henry, you've got to go with Wily Mo Pena. Steinbrenner no longer has Gary Sheffield - so I think his best bet might be Jason Giambi. That one wouldn't even be close.
6. Have the Sox sign Roger Clemens. Had to throw that in there.
So there you have it, my best ideas on how to improve the best rivalry in sports. If you're still not satisfied ... wait, how could you not be?
Will Herberich is a freshman. He can be reached at William.Herberich@tufts.edu.
