Not to be creepy, but have you actually smelled a 13-year-old girl recently?
Neither have I, but chances are if you were to do so, you would find that she smells like grapefruits, strawberries and nectarines, with a dry-down of "soft musk, amber and woods." In other words, she would probably smell like "Can Can," Paris Hilton's latest fragrance - her fourth in fact - or any of a variety of celebrity-fronted fruity floral fragrances, they're all basically the same.
With names like "Fantasy" and "Glow," they are obviously targeting young consumers who will pay money for anything pushed by someone with the merest hint of fame. Just for reference, Britney Spears is up to five scents and Jennifer Lopez has eight.
As for the men, Usher just released two new fragrances, and P. Diddy recently unveiled the rape-inspired advertising campaign for his latest version of sure-to-be-ubiquitous cat piss in a jar, "Unforgivable Woman" - but that's a whole other column.
With all of this in mind, I would like to submit to you a list of five possible celebscents for the coming Holiday season - some of which might be closer to fruition than others.
1. Lindsay Lohan: ROCK BOTTOM. Featuring top notes of peroxide bleach, Frappuccino and patchouli, with a base of dirty syringes, whippet dust and a dash of latex, this scent help you hit the lowest of low points and smell "Rockin'" doing it! The sequels, "Rehab" and "Relapse" are planned for early next year.
2. Hilary Clinton: PANDER. For those of us unwilling or unable to take a strong stand on any issue, this unisex fragrance will envelope you in a comforting mist of indecision! It pairs well with pant suits, skirt suits, and even regular pants and jackets. With notes of botox, denial, ruthless ambition and an intoxicating dose of socialist ideals, whether you swing to the right or left, "Pander" will make you comfortable by giving you the feeling you are squarely in that bastion of political irrelevance: the middle.
3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: ALTRUISM FOR HIM AND FOR HER. Now you can save the world and smell sexy doing it! Proceeds from every bottle go to the Jolie-Pitt Foundation, which adopts needy orphans from across the globe who will grow up to have warped self-images and severe drug problems. Featuring the smell of warm African deserts, rainy Thai jungles and just a touch of Jolie blood, you'll want to spray this while on your next humanitarian mission.
4. Oprah Winfrey: SPIRIT. No marketing materials needed. This thing would sell if it was named "Poop Water" and cost $400 a bottle. It will be tinted green though, to represent Oprah's most favorite of things: cash money. A show with Alicia Keyes, Patti LaBelle, Tina Turner and Maya Angelou is already planned to promote it. Find your Spirit this Christmas!
5. Kanye West: EAU DE DOUCHE. Borrowing heavily from already highly-successful fragrances, Kanye's Eau is sure to be a hit. Despite a legal battle with Justin Timberlake over the name, West won out in the end, giving him the right to sell this heady mixture of Louis Vuitton leather bags, Dior shoes, pride, arrogance and just a touch of ambiguous metrosexuality thrown in to reach an even wider audience. It is predicted to outsell 50 Cent's new cologne, "Le Baton Magique."
Billy DeGregorio is a senior majoring in English and Spanish with a minor in communications and media studies. Contact him at william.degregorio@tufts.edu.
