As girls mature, they'll master talents like crossing their legs without a Sharon Stone moment, managing a perfectly sassy strut in stiletto pumps, and pulling off Carrie Bradshaw outfits without Patricia Field. But there's one skill that only the most passionate, propitious and brave girls will master: the blowjob.
The best way to learn this fine skill is a hands-on lesson with your booty call - practice makes perfect - but the prospect of giving head haunts many girls. If you dread this for the whole make-out session, the next half hour is going to be brutal. You should want to give this guy head. If you don't want to - like really want to - why is he in your bed in the first place?
Your attitude is going to make or break your performance. You are pleasuring your boy in a very special, intimate way. His family jewels, his manliness, his authority, are under your care.
Take the opportunity you've been given as a stage upon which to perform your greatest soliloquy. Give him the concert of his life. This is your chance to dance circles around his head. Literally. So suck it up - again, literally - and go down on your man with pride and passion. Rule Number One: L'Chaim! To life!
Rule Number Two: Adriana Lima. You know who she is; it's hard not to. Victoria's Secret shoves her down our throats like Pam did Tommy. The point is, Lima's allure comes from a rather systematic quality in women. They're called "bedroom eyes." For colloquial purposes, we can even call them "f-k me eyes."
When her green Brazilian eyes look out at you, under her irises are little spaces of white. The sexy quality of that stare is what you achieve when you look up at your boy from down under. Boys love that stare. And when their penis is in your mouth, they love it even more. So give 'em what they want: a little eye candy.
It can be toxic to a man. He knows you're down there, but when you look up, you acknowledge that you mean business. Bat those baby blues -- he wants to see who's taking care of Johnny.
Rule Number Three: Start a Revolution. When I was in eighth grade, my girlfriends and I decided that we were going to teach ourselves how to give head. Seeing as we had no volunteer for practice lessons, and we weren't slutty yet, we directed our attention to items in the kitchen.
Armed with carrots and bananas (both extremely poor penis models), we experimented with this unfamiliar procedure. All we could do was go up and down and pretend to suck. Sucking is important ... duh. Going up and down is pretty essential, too.
But you aren't interested in mediocrity. It's time to put a little Marx in your world and stir it up a bit. Revolutions, ladies, revolutions!
The classic up and down is great - it is - but stagnation is boring. Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. It's a powerful asset. Spin around in circles and you won't be the one that gets dizzy. It's called starting an uprising.
Rule Number Four: Kickball. Well, if you were as disenchanted by this "sport" as I was in fourth grade, you would have asked your PE coach, "Why are you making me play this stupid game?"
The answer? "To develop hand-eye coordination." I may despise kickball, but let's be honest: We all need to coordinate our hands and eyes now and then.
Giving head requires more hand-eye coordination than anything you've ever played in gym class. You have to focus on stimulating the tip and the shaft, but never forget the boys. Don't neglect the fellas downstairs!
Keep your hands busy making moves and you'll drive him wild. A little squeeze here and there, some massaging to be fair, and a tug or two to show you care. Game over, baby - kickball is finally paying off.
My final tip may seem like an oxymoron. But we're ladies, and when in the presence of a gentleman, we must be considerate and polite. While giving brain, we must mind our manners, which brings us to Rule Number Five: The Art of Conversation. Obviously, we never speak with our mouths full. Swallow first, and then check up on him. "How ya doin' up there, big guy?" Remind him how generous and considerate you are. What a sweet girl, working so hard to make him happy. Punctuate your swirls and bobs and squeezes with some caring dialogue. Know when to talk, and when to tongue.
A good blowjob can go a long way. Look what it did for Bill. If Dubya was getting some head, who knows what the world would be like?
