Among the innumerable amount of knowledge we store in our brains, somewhere between derivatives and addresses, we keep a private list of secret numbers: the pin number for the ATM, our real weight, the year we were born when at the liquor store, and most secretly, the number of people we've slept with.
That's a number that only a very select few, if anyone, know. That number is, to say the least, evidence of the choices we've made - wise or otherwise.
We guard this number so carefully because we're afraid of the potential reaction from those we tell. The question is not whether your number has inherent meaning and significance - because it undoubtedly does - but rather, when it comes to talking about your past, how much of your history should be included in the lesson plan?
At the beginning of any relationship, questions about your past inevitably arise. How many serious relationships have you been in? Have you ever been in love? Are you still in love with them? Why did you break up?
To answer these questions you must exhibit a serious amount of finesse. Keep in mind your Miranda rights. You have the right to remain silent. But anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of love. While you most likely won't have an attorney present, let me advise you to consider certain factors before you divulge too much or too little information.
Being overly generous with facts about past lovers can sometimes be detrimental to new ones. You don't want to overwhelm, intimidate or turn off your current partner. For example, let's say you're on a date and an old fling is sitting nearby. The awkward hello triggers your new boy to ask how you know Sparky over there.
"We used to have the best sex last year until he went abroad."
Bad answer.
Acknowledging that you've slept with anyone besides your current partner is not going to inspire them to dote on you. While it's great to be honest, using discretion is paramount. Your business is your own business. There's no need to broadcast all your sexual exploits to every new partner unless it directly affects them.
Conversely, dodging every question is not the beginning of a healthy relationship. Blatantly avoiding your past, while it might be convenient for you, is only going to foster further inquisitiveness. Silence or ambivalence can be misconstrued as shame or disrepute.
Similarly, lying is another indication of furtive dishonor. Referring to a past lover as an "old friend," or simply changing the subject, will just trigger suspicion and distrust. Both are clearly more harmful than just saying "we used to date."
Initiating these types of conversations can lead to unpredictable reactions. While some people you date will be open and comfortable with their pasts, others might be defensive and put up a protective wall. Insecurities regularly prevent us from intimacy.
Remember that revealing intimate details of your past sexual experience is completely your own decision. You're not in kindergarten anymore; sharing is now optional. But regarding what you do share, be confident with your stories. Being comfortable in your own skin and with your past decisions will invariably serve to strengthen and reinforce future relationships.
Discussing details about your sexual history with a significant other requires a lot of trust. You don't go throwing around your number to any and everyone. You should trust the person a great deal before divulging any seriously personal information, and trust like that is not established after a few casual hook ups.
Reserve your history for only the most dedicated students. Being respectful and courteous to your teachers is surely deserving of an A.
Lara Levi is a junior majoring in art history. She can be reached at lara.levi@tufts.edu.
