It's really no fun when you don't get the size you want. When you order a venti at Starbucks, it's because a tall just won't do. When you need a size 4, and all you can find are 12s, you're not happy. And the size of that miserable closet ResLife is trying to pass off as a room is awful.
It's all because proper sizing is essential to happiness.
You know where I'm going with this. Penis size is a delicate matter. There is no "perfect" size - but there certainly are imperfect ones.
Let's get a feel for the multiple phallic faces and what to do when you don't get the size you want.
We'll start from the bottom up.
I got a call a few weeks ago from my friend at Villanofun, recounting a traumatic experience with a teeny weenie. She had been on a few dates with this guy, a basketball player. He was cute, tall, confident: a good choice, she thought. But when his briefs dropped, so did her jaw.
There are a few avenues you can take when a mini-member is in your presence.The most obvious? Laugh. It's not his fault, but when a penis resembles a petit éclair, it's hard not to giggle.
I'm just kidding, of course. Be mature, don't laugh out loud - even if you crack up on the inside. Chances are he's quite aware of, and sensitive about, his inadequacy.
Plus, by now he may have mastered other useful talents in bed. Having a penis the size of a lighter is not the end of the world if he can flick his Bic down under. Keep your head up, Papa Smurf, even if you only reach an inch and a half.
While there are problematic sizes in between, we'll focus on the extremes. Many men have this twisted conception that bigger is always better. False.
A friend of mine, 5-foot-3 in heels, dated this 6-foot-4 guy with an honest-to-God 8-incher. Not only was sex painful, her blowjob skills couldn't match the Hulk that lurked in his pants.
The average vaginal cavity is (believe it or not) only a couple of inches deep. It's hard to accommodate a visitor in your home when he bumps his head on the ceiling all the time! We may be flexible and hospitable, but trying to fit a bull into a china closet is never easy.
Unlike requesting a size 8 in the Neiman's shoe department, you can't ask your man for the right-size schlong. If it's mini or massive, there are always ways to get around it that will still be fun and pleasurable for you both.
Let him show you his skills before making any accommodations. Girls are always top priority, no argument. Once you're satisfied, you can attend to him.
When he's too much for you to handle, avoid doggy style and being on top. Those angles are for optimal depth. Spooning, conversely, doesn't allow his whole spoon in and won't be overwhelming.
If you're going down on him and his Fenway Frank is choking you, keep your hands in sync with your mouth and it won't be as difficult (a hand job + a blowjob = great head without a headache).
For the pygmy penis, put on your boots and ride 'em cowboy. Reverse cowgirl is a great position that is so underrated. Go on top and turn around. He'll hit spots he never knew he could, and you'll both go home happy.
Size is subjective, and penises don't factor in personality. Most boys bring more to the table than just their sausages.
But let's be honest: Nothing fits like a Jumbo.
Lara Levi is a junior majoring in art history. She can be reached at lara.levi@tufts.edu.
